What would you do if you won the $1.5 billion? Hire Sean Penn to resurrect Spicoli?
By now, you’ve probably heard the news. You didn’t win the record-breaking $1.5 billion Powerball. Your dreams are crushed. Those lofty visions of quitting your job, flipping the bird as you storm out, and moving to your own private island remain a mere fantasy.
But you knew that, right? You knew you wouldn’t win before you went and bought the ticket. After all, you were more likely to discover the world’s first unicorn in the underwear aisle of Target than draw the winning numbers. Yet you stayed more optimistic than Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber:
Hot girl: [The odds of us having sex are] like one in a million…
Lloyd: So you’re telling me there’s a chance…YEAH!
Still, it’s fun to fantasize. What if you did win? After federal and state taxes, the winner will walk away with about $525 million – a net worth close to Jay Z, Tom Cruise and Larry David. And what would a surfer do with that money? Let’s examine a few of the possibilities:
Buy a wave pool
We now know the capabilities of artificial waves, since King Kelly unveiled his own rendition. They can barrel, and they can be perfect. So why would you ever deal with crowds or onshore mush ever again if you could have your own sanctuary of perfect waves?
Buy your own private jet
With a price tag of $70 million, the Gulfstream G650 is the fastest private jet ever built with a top speed of .925 Mach. See a swell forming in a far-off land? Fuel that puppy up and go chase it!
Privatize your own surf haven
There was a time when you had to be staying on Fiji’s Tavarua to be granted access to surf Cloudbreak. Now, surfers staying on neighboring islands have free access as well. But that’s nothing a hefty check can’t settle, is it? Complete asshole move, but still, perfect waves to yourself.
Resurrect Duke Kahanamoku as your own surf coach
Just like Tupac at Coachella…imagine a hologram Duke pumping you up before each surf session.
Manufacture the first (real) surfing-capable hoverboard
Those things you see at the mall and in videos of pajama-clad dads falling while riding are not hoverboards. They are segways without handlebars, people! Anyway, we’ll save that rant for another time. But picture yourself careening down a massive face at Jaws. No chop or bounce, sort of like a hydrofoil. You’d probably be extremely disliked by all other surfers but, whatevs…you’ve got a hoverboard.
Pay Sean Penn to star as Spicoli in a Fast Times at Ridgemont High sequel
The saga of Jeff Spicoli lives on. Whatever happened to that bong-toking, pizza-eating, shirtless high schooler? Did he go on to achieve his dreams of surf stardom? Here’s a way to find out.
Buy your own fleet of human-carrying drones
Traffic got you and your crew down? The waves are pumping but you can never make it to the beach before or after work? Here’s your solution. A personal drone. Strait outta The Jetsons.
Buy some overpriced, collector’s item surfboards
You’re going to need something to decorate your new beachfront mansion, right? How ’bout these beautiful boards, which run for about $100k a pop.
Pay for Mason Ho to be a permanent commentator on the WSL
The guys in the commentator’s booth are doing a fine job. But imagine if Mase was up there with his quirky remarks. Hearing him talk is almost better than watching him surf. Watch this for reference.
The truth is that most people go bankrupt after winning the lottery. And who says surfers are any different? Are we a particularly frugal bunch? Probably not. I wouldn’t think so. So let’s continue to fantasize about blowing ungodly quantities of dat cash money. What would you buy?
