When I was in my confused and introspective teens and quoting Repo Man and Neighbors and drifting with the northwest wind from Zuma Tower 9 down to 6 then walking back along PCH and looking for love in the eyes of every southbound car, I was pretty sure that Janet Jackson and Madonna were conspiring against me and my chances of a serious relationship, what with “What have you done for me lately?” and “‘Cause the boy with the cold hard cash is always Mr. Right.” These lyrics, I thought, are poisoning the minds of the girls I hoped to find myself alone in a room with.

Later in life, after falling gloriously in love then discovering the fantastic joy of hurling telephones through plate glass windows, I would leave with only a backpack after three years of Ikea, Bed, Bath and Beyond, and Pottery Barn visits. She wanted marriage and kids; I stayed up late at night pondering Peter Beard collages.

I have no idea where I’m going with this, only that Beyonce is on the radio right now, summoning “All the single ladies” and singing “If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.”

Read more from Jamie Brisick on his blog Wrestling Elephants.