Beat it, kook.
Surfers are a funny breed. For some odd reason, something so fun sure does attract a lot of miserable, angry people. Perhaps it’s something to do with the fact that another person can really easily steal a lot of that fun right out from under you. And when surfers start expecting other surfers to show up and ruin their day… well, their day gets ruined. Here are five ways you can easily go from being the person making things better to the guy everyone hates.
I GOT IT! Oh wait, no I don’t. Photo: WSL/Cestari
1. Calling someone off a wave, then backing out at the last minute
There’s nothing worse than the guy that screams at you for even thinking about going on a wave. You know the one: he’s frantically paddling for a wave, and he’s just a little bit too deep. You know he’s not going to make the section, but the sheer volume of his screams echoing throughout the lineup startles you enough to think that maybe, just maybe, he sees something you don’t. Then, at the last second, he backs off, leaving you with .02 of a second to try and make the drop yourself. And of course, he just stares at you while he’s paddling back to his original position, like he didn’t just screw you out of the wave of the day.
Get it? Back paddle?
2. Back paddling
You know that guy that’s sitting a foot outside of you? He’ll talk to you like he’s your friend, but the minute a set darkens the horizon, you realize he’s not sitting close to you because he’s looking for a new golf buddy. You’ve been sitting at the point for the last two sets, patiently waiting, and at the last minute, this guy, who just one minute before was talking to you about your job/wife/kids spins around, paddles over your feet, and ends up an inch-and-half away from you… and now he’s on the inside, whistling you off the wave like it was his all along.
Unless you’re in it to win it, this is just not ok.
3. Blatantly dropping in
There is possibly no sin in surfing worse than dropping in. Of course, it happens by accident on a pretty regular basis. If you’re a normal person, you’ll either apologize or be apologized to, and then you’ll be on your merry way, hopefully more aware of your surroundings than you were before. Then there’s the guy paddling his ass off as he looks you in the eyes while you’re already up and riding… and then goes anyway. You can holler as much as you want, and all he does is bang off mediocre turns in front of you, glancing over his shoulder occasionally to check if you’re still there. Right at the end of the wave, he kicks out and paddles for the horizon as fast as possible to avoid actual confrontation. What the hell is wrong with that guy?
4. Claiming things that everyone in the lineup knows didn’t actually happen
“DID YOU SEE THAT BARREL!?” He’s paddling back out, a shit-eating grin on his face, screaming to his friend about how shacked he got. The waves, however beg to differ. They’re sloping and mushy, and an onshore wind is flattening them like pancakes… but this guy managed to find a barrel. Sure you did, guy. Sure you did.
No one likes a cry-baby.
5. Whining about how bad it is.
If you’re having such a bad time, then go home. Don’t sit there complaining about how shitty it is. You’re surfing. If you’d rather be doing something else, then go do it. Surfing is supposed to be fun, and if you’re not having fun, then here’s an idea: stop doing it. Come back when it’s better. Go exploring and find somewhere better. All you’re doing is smearing your gloom all over the lineup, like a monkey smearing shit.
