If you’ve ever surfed in a packed lineup, then you know how frustrating it can be. Snakes and loudmouths and people who–by no fault of their own–just plain don’t know the rules of surfing. If you’re anything like me, you’ve either punched a mouth or fantasized about it. So here, in classic internet listicle fashion, are 9 ways to ensure a good punch in the teeth.
1. Shit in the lineup.
Nothing makes people more angry than a good ol’ fashioned public poop-fest. Head to a crowded point break, sit at the peak, and take your fellow surfers to brown town. Ensure that everyone gets their fair share by paddling in erratic patterns throughout the lineup, laughing at everyone who is disgusted.
2. Drop in on everyone on every wave.
Regardless of whether you’re going to make it or not, if you want to get smacked in the teeth, repeated drop ins are a good bet. It doesn’t matter who you’re dropping in on, either, just so long as you’re in someone’s way on every wave. It’s also helpful to look directly at the person you’re snaking while you’re paddling, and then go anyway. If they call you off, look back and keep surfing, preferably with an awful, squatting stance, aggressively and ineffectually pumping down the line.
3. Point and laugh.
Pick out the worst surfer and make him/her feel like an idiot. Every time they fall, you can make sure they don’t want to get back up again by asking everyone within hearing distance if they saw how shitty that person is. If no one answers (which they won’t, because you will be making them uncomfortable), don’t be discouraged. Continue asking in a louder and louder voice until someone responds. If they tell you to shut your mouth, do it, and then begin ridiculing them, no matter how good they are. Offer a running commentary on how much they’re blowing it on each wave. This works best if you’ve chosen a child who is learning with a very large, adult father for a teacher.
4. Find the best surfer and call him the worst surfer.
In every line up, there’s usually one person who stands out. Find out who that is, then paddle directly up to him and tell him he’s shit. If he/she laughs, silently stare at them, then in a loud voice say, “I’m serious. You’re shit.” Enforce your view point by utilizing tip number two.
5. Surf in the nude and try and try to convince people to tandem surf with you.
Nothing warrants a mouth-punch like a forced, naked shoulder ride. Look for the grizzled veteran on the longboard, whip off your trunks and tell him he looks like the kind that would enjoy a “REAL party wave.” When he refuses, back paddle him, catch up, and leap onto his board, screaming “DON’T FIGHT IT!” while clambering onto his hairy back. When he falls, continue holding onto his neck while locking your legs around his torso, even when you’re both underwater.
6. Fill your wetsuit with garbage, then throw it all in the ocean.
No one likes a litter bug, especially surfers. Before you leave the house in the morning, pack up all the plastic bags, styrofoam containers, and empty oil jugs you have. On arriving to your surf spot, pack everything you can into your suit (near the neck for easy removal), then proceed to paddle around, leaving a trail of plastic in your wake. If necessary, tie the oil jugs to your surfboard and drag them behind you, cutting them loose in strategic positions.
7. Kill a seal/dolphin.
Depending on where you’re surfing, chances are pretty good that at some point, you’ll see a seal or a dolphin. Be sure to pack a short speargun with a trigger so that if you see one, you can kill it. It’s preferable to wait until someone else sees it before unleashing a spear. When you’re sure it’s dead, loudly and proudly exclaim that you “just saved everyone’s life, because that seal/dolphin was in attack mode.” Drag its bloody carcass through the lineup forcing everyone to look at it. If someone mentions that perhaps the seal/dolphin was not, in fact, going to kill anyone, cultivate a pretentious tone, point the gun at him, and tell him that he obviously knows nothing about sea life. Let him know in no uncertain terms that he will be next, if he keeps it up.
8. Slash every tire and wax every window in the parking lot.
One thing that’s great about surfing is the locals-only mentality. If you don’t live within one minute of a certain wave, you should not be allowed to surf there. Bring a sharp knife and an extra bar of wax, then take 15 minutes before you suit up to mercilessly destroy every tire within walking distance. On your way back, use the wax to write “KOOK” on each windshield. As an added measure, pee in every gas tank. You may need to spend a few days collecting pee.
9. Call people off every wave, then go straight.
Aggression goes a long way when it comes to getting your block knocked off. Expend all of your energy paddling into waves that you have no chance of making, but scream at anyone else paddling for it, whether they’re in position or not. If for some reason you find yourself able to actually make the wave, go straight, making sure to loudly celebrate the epicness of your ride. There’s no sense in screaming at someone to stay off your wave if you’re going to actually ride it. When you return to the lineup, be sure to make the person you screamed at aware of their shortcoming, both as a surfer and a human being.