Pro surfing webcasts summon a range of emotions from the common surfer. On one hand, some of the best riders in the world are brought to us live with the click of a mouse. For the first time, we can watch our sporting heroes in real time…without the snazzy DVD camera angles or the excessively edited “profile” videos (okay, so maybe a few during the commercials…), but the point is: there is drama, triumph, tragedy, and a whole grip of good surfing every time we tune in.
On the other hand, the viewing experience is often marred by bad Internet connections, questionable commentating, strange competition hours, lay days, heat re-starts, lulls, and sloppy camera work. Perhaps the biggest problem is the majority of the time that we spend watching web casts, nothing actually happens. It’s nobody’s fault. Surfing just involves a lot of bobbing in the water, which can make spectating a real chore.
With that in mind, I’ve decided to help liven things up a bit with the first Professional Surfing Web Cast Drinking Game. In order to play, you will need the following things:
1. A valid driver’s license stating that you are over the age of 21 in the United States, over the age of 18 in Europe or Latin America, or any document certifying Australian citizenship.
2. A crate of your favorite beer and a bottle of hard liquor.
3. If you’re not a drinker, fret not. You’re probably better off without the bottle, but luckily The Professional Surfing Web Cast Drinking Game is an equal opportunity entertainment provider, so just substitute milk for beer and Red Bull for liquor. That said, you might actually do more damage to your liver from the taurine than the alcohol. So grab a few gallons of milk and Red Bull and join the fun.
1. Every time an American or Australian is over-scored because he makes a claim, take a shot of liquor.
2. Every time Bede Durbidge is described as “consistent,” or “a dark horse” take a drink of beer.
3. Every time Ian “Kanga” Cairns makes a surprise appearance, either in the commentator’s booth or on the beach, take a shot.
4. Take an additional drink of beer if he uses his air time to plug one of the surfers he has worked with and/or make outlandish claims about them being a future World Title contender.
5. Every time a rider for the team hosting the comp is over-scored, take a drink of beer.
6. Every time a surfer paddles out that you wouldn’t be able to name if the commentators didn’t say it, take a shot, and go study the ASP web page.
7. Every time Taj Burrow loses a semi final or final despite holding a comfortable lead for most of the heat, take a shot.
8. Every time you see a surfer give a post heat interview WITHOUT a hat, take a shot. (This is rare. It also means that someone just lost his/her job. Pour out a little liquor in memoriam.)
9. Every time a surfer uses the word “super” in his post heat interview, take a drink of beer.
10. Every time a pro says: “I’m just stoked to be here,” take a drink of beer. (#9 and #10 are quite common. Those with low tolerances may want to avoid watching post-heat interviews altogether.)
11. Every time a pro says he is sorry to have beaten his friend take a drink of beer. Take another if you don’t believe him.
12. When a rider gives an interview after losing, toast to him and down whatever you have left. If it’s someone other than Kelly Slater, open another can and promptly down it.
13. Every time Dane Reynolds says: “I was riding a board I’d never ridden before in this heat,” take a drink of beer. Take another if you don’t believe him.
14. Every time Roy Powers or Fred Patacchia says something inappropriate in a post-heat interview, toast to them and down your beer.
15. In a Billabong web cast, Every time PT says something that, if he were talking to a woman would be considered “a come on,” take a drink of beer.
16. Every time a commentator starts to disagree with judges, catches himself, and an uncomfortable silence ensues — drink until someone resumes commentating.
17. When commentators drop hints to the web team, ie: “Man, Mick Fanning had a great wave…I would LOVE to see a replay of that.” drink until the replay is cued.
18. Every time the commentators refer to falling as “coming un-stuck or unglued” take a drink of beer.
19. Every time commentators use the word “passionate” to describe a Brazilian, take a drink of beer.
20. Every time a Brazilian is underscored despite making a “passionate” claim, take a drink of beer.
21. Every time a Brazilian has his name butchered, take a drink of beer.
22. When all three of the above happen at the same time you must finish your drink.
23. Every time an Australian commentator mangles someone’s name, take a drink of beer. (ie: “You can stay busy and build a house, or you can opt for the Bobby MARTinez strategy and just catch two good ones.”)
24. Every time something is excessively branded, take a drink of beer. (ie: “Let’s take a look at the Oakley wave of the day, from the Red Bull expression session.”)
25. Every time someone says something vaguely condescending to or about a female surfer, take a shot, and buy/give one to the nearest female, because that is what men do. (ie: “Congratulations on your recent win, Carissa, you deserve to buy yourself something nice with that money.”)
26. When you miss the set wave because they are interviewing a pro or playing a commercial, take a shot.
27. Every time they make a pro call a wave and the poor guy fails miserably, drink until the wave terminates.
28. Every time Occy gets tongue tied, take a drink of beer.
29. When a commentator combines idioms, take a shot. (ie “That last exchange really sparked some fuel under Joel’s feet”)
Note: TheInertia.com does not endorse the excessive consumption of alcohol. It does, however, endorse humor. Most of the time.