What’s with the sinister wetsuit names? Years ago I had the Heat, which conjured up images of a toasty winter session. What an excellent name for a wetsuit. Just thinking about it made me warm. But then I shifted to the Psycho, Psycho 2, and finally the Psychofreak, with the Mutant and Superfreak thrown in for good measure. The more threatening the name, the warmer the wetsuit.
Things must have taken a dark and ominous turn over at wetsuit headquarters since the salad days of the mid-eighties when I scored my first new wetsuit, the O’NO. I’m not judging, I’m just a little concerned about the mindset over there. Maybe they need to switch to decaf, or perhaps brew up some green tea and tweak the feng shui to calm things down and lighten the mood. And, as always, piping in a little Manilow over the loudspeakers will keep things focused and inspired. Look, I don’t want to mess with their creative process—these people obviously know what they’re doing—I’m just saying that these are proven relaxation techniques.
But I digress…
Wetsuit technology has advanced so much that I understand the need to have a progression of names in a wetsuit line. But the whole purpose of a wetsuit is to stay warm, not go clinically insane, so why not stick with the Heat theme? Maybe start with the Hot, then upgrade to the Hotter, and top it off with the Roasting. Flexibility is an important factor, so if you want to include that angle, call it the Roast Flex.
Perhaps my green tea and Manilow-fueled chin-stroking is a waste of time. These wetsuits are damn fine products that get better each year, and names don’t matter, anyway. All that matters is having a warm, flexible wetsuit. Which is why, with a cold winter coming, I have a tricked-out 4/3 full suit on order. It’s a new model called the Ax Murdering Whore Killer. I can’t wait.
That thing will be toasty.