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Trouble heating things up in the bedroom? Global warming won't help. Photo: Life's Rich Pageant

Trouble heating things up in the bedroom? Global warming won’t help. Photo: Life’s Rich Pageant


The Inertia

From nagging, under-sexed roommates to excessive drinking at the bar, everyone occasionally experiences a cock block (or for the ladies, a clam jam). But now, according to science, the entire world could be in for a cumbersome detour on the road to Pleasure Town. A recent study shows that as global warming heats up the earth, your sex life could be inversely impacted, resulting in a boner-killing cool down.

The study, conducted by the National Bureau of Economic Research, involved three economists researching 80 years of United States fertility data in relation to temperature statistics, according to Bloomberg. They found that when temperatures were 80 degrees or higher, the birth-rate decreased in the 9-10 months that followed. The scientific and academically-worded hypothesis? People don’t like banging when it’s baking.

According to the study: “Extreme heat leads to a sizeable fall in births. Temperature extremes could affect coital frequency. It could affect hormone levels and sex drives. Alternatively, high temperatures may adversely affect reproductive health or semen quality on the male side, or ovulation on the female side.”

So there’s possibly more to it than just a decrease in libido. The heat could lead to a decline in sperm count, which is feasible since the testes need to be at a cooler temp than the body’s core to work efficiently. Developmentally speaking, that’s why they evolved to hang away from the body – to stay cold.

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I mean, the whole sex drive thing makes sense, too – doesn’t it? When it’s hot outside, the last thing people want to do is hop in bed and create more friction by bumping uglies. You’re just asking for a tsunami of sweat. But when it’s cold out, people are inclined to do the opposite: hop in bed, heat things up, and do the dirty. So in order to preserve the human race through the environmental apocalypse and to ensure that we successfully emigrate to Mars, people need to crank up the AC and throw on an old Marvin Gaye record.