Let’s talk about the one pressing issue that, amazingly, wasn’t mentioned once during this arduous election: sunscreen. Sunscreen is not only prohibitively expensive, it is also so toxic that it decimates all sea life and gives you cancer after a single use. What about that natural shit, you say? Oh, it’s wonderful. I absolutely adore going into debt and still somehow getting burnt underneath a permanent, organic, fair trade, non-GMO, conflict free, sustainably harvested, emotionally nurtured, gluten free layer of talc. But if you choose to boycott sunscreen altogether, you’ll look like a discarded burlap sack and die young, alone, and covered in aloe vera. So how does one proceed? A real head-spinner, indeed. Well luckily, ol’ Jake here’s decided to share some of his favorite, less common, yet incredibly valid and economical alternatives to sunscreen.
1. Tarring and feathering.
Getting tarred and feathered is very inexpensive. Stays with you a long time. Produces injuries so horrific that the great sunscreen debate and even the worries of premature aging and cancer are wiped from your mind entirely.
Not as a substitute. Just use as directed and chill out.
3. Exterior house paint.
White is best for its reflective capabilities. Cheap. Very water resistant. A little goes a long way. In the video above, John demonstrates proper application. Before you hit play, be prepared for excessive profanity, which is not recommended unless you’ve somehow found yourself covered in paint in the back of a van.
4. Find indoor hobbies.
If you don’t want the sun to bathe you in its love and radiation, stay indoors and troll the internet. Computer light is super healthy for you and there are too many surfers as it is.
5. Pull in!
You want an incentive to stop dodging barrels? How about this chilling fact: Everyone who has ever had sunlight touch their skin is dead already or will die at some point. Stay pitted. Stay alive. Above, Owen Wright is extremely happy to have escaped the sun’s devastating rays, even for a few short seconds.
6. Stop practicing hygiene.
Grow your hair to cover as much surface area as possible. Grow your beard, armpit hair, leg hair, and (if you’re in the habit of surfing naked) pubes to cover the rest. Let the filth and bacterial biodiversity on your skin become an impenetrable layer. You know who didn’t die from sun exposure? Encino Man.
7. Surf mostly at night during a new moon.
You know how the moon lights up at night? That’s harmful UV radiation still coming at you. My patent for moon screen keeps being rejected because of Obama so unfortunately it’s not a thing yet, but with Trump, things are really looking up.
Eating them, sure. Much sun protection comes through what we eat. But oats work as a literal sunblock too if you cover any exposed skin with them. Oats block broad spectrum UV rays if applied thickly to the skin. One drawback is that they wash off almost immediately, so frequent reapplications are necessary.
Think of all the money you’ll save on sun screen by having yourself some babies. Those sweet, stupid, fragile, helpless, selfish little creatures don’t care if the wind just switched offshore, the tide is just right, and there’s a decent south swell in the water. They have shit in their diapers and damn it, they need that tummy time.
10. Keep voting republican.
Their boner for de-regulation and staunch climate change denial will continue creating a world so filled with carbon that our own atmosphere will soon completely shelter us from all harmful UV rays, like coal-fired Chicago in the middle of the industrial revolution. Permanent dimness and sun-blocking smog lead to a 100% reduction in skin cancer.*
*That’s not true.