The Inertia Smartass
The stance of champs. Screenshot: Mr. B Productions

The stance of champs. Plus, I just got barreled. Eat your heart out. Screenshot: Mr. B Productions

The Inertia

I am not a very good surfer. In fact, I suck. Sure I can paddle like the dickens and occasionally I have my moments where it all links up, but for the most part, I’m pretty kooky and unstylish. And I’ve been doing it for a while, which makes it even worse. But I’m okay with sucking at surfing. In fact, I love it. Here are a few reasons why.

1) If I ripped, I’d probably feel the need to self-identify as a surfer. And then I’d have to answer all kinds of horseshit questions from new acquaintances. “Oh, what’s it like in the tube, bro? What’s your longest barrel?” “Are you sponsored?” “What’s the biggest wave you’ve ever surfed?” “Have you surfed with a boner?” Yes, I go surfing. But that isn’t who I am. I also water my plants and cook eggs sometimes. But I don’t introduce myself as a goddamn gardner or omelet chef. I am a human man who does lots of things, surfing poorly is one of them.

2) I don’t have to do anything on a wave that I don’t want to. If I wanna just glide down the high line of that fucker in a stupid looking stance with a dumb grin on my face, milking it as long as I possibly can, I can do that. And no one gives a shit. I am not expected to throw a blow fin hack in the pocket. And if I do, it was most certainly accidental, unlikely to be replicated any time soon, and I’ll remember it forever.

3) I’m not breaking sticks on the reg, so I save a ton of money there. I have boards from years and years ago that are perfectly fine to ride. I can save that money for important things like parking tickets and $18 drinks.

4) I don’t get hurt. That’s not true. I do get hurt. Because I suck.

5) I can surf just about any break with no crowds because I have a great time when it’s shitty. I’m perfectly happy with a 2-4ft day. There’s no pressure, no bad vibes, expectations are always low and often exceeded, and I can just dick around with my fish friends.

6) I don’t have to dress like a surfer. Other than butt floss bikinis, surfing fashion is the stupidest shit I’ve ever seen. Offense, but anyone who wears yellow shirts that say Billabong or Hurley across the front that aren’t being paid to do so are, to quote the prophetic Noel Gallagher, “fuckin’ little idiots”.

7) I don’t have to paddle out when it’s double overhead and firing. I feel very little guilt just watching some of those sessions.

8) I get to just hang out with the wave and make friends with it, or make a little love to it rather than “ripping,” “slashing,” “hacking,” “destroying,” or “raping” it. I really love waves. I’m not a super violent person anymore. So I like to be gentle and loving towards them; experiencing that gorgeous wall in front of me is one of my favorite things. I don’t feel the need to shred it to pieces… Nor could I if I did.

9) If I were a shredder, I’d attract so many hot little biddies with their little tan flossed butts. And were I single, this would be fine. But I’m engaged to an amazing woman. I love her to the moon. So I would have to hurt a lot of biddies’ feelings by turning them down. And I hate hurting people’s feelings.


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