Does this ominous bush food look like it’s saying, “Come hither.” No, it does not. It’s plotting your demise. Photo: Shutterstock.
The best advice anyone ever gave me was, “Everything in moderation. Including moderation.” No saying holds more true when it comes to your diet. Simply put, you might think that if you only eat kale and broccoli all day, you are a health god/goddess. Well, if you were to put this to the test, not only would you be bored out of your mind, but you’d spend half the day in the bathroom. On the flip side, if you use “everything in moderation” to justify incorporating a moderate amount of crap in your diet each day, you’re probably not going to feel so hot either. Just because you start with a green juice doesn’t mean that half a cherry pie after dinner won’t catch up to you.
That being said, for the sake of this piece, focus on the “everything in moderation” line. More importantly, embrace this moment. It’s a rare occurrence when a health site tells you it’s ok to skip the health food. Yes, I’m freeing you from scarfing down the cardboard tasting green garbage that is kale…at least in large quantities. Below, learn a little about 5 healthy foods that can actually mess you up.
Kale
Alright, this FIBROUS green already gets 1 strike just for its performance in the taste department. It’s one thing if you cook it, boil it down, or fry it up, but eating raw kale straight out the vegetable patch is for horses and wild boars. It will make you question whether tree bark is a more viable option for your dinner salad. Perhaps the leafy green is trying to tell you something…namely to back off.
Mothers across the West Los Angeles area will weep with this news, but too much kale can, god forbid, slow down your metabolism. Yes, kale is secretly conspiring to make you fat. Kale contains the compound thiocyanate which in large quantities seriously interferes with iodine metabolism. As a result, consuming too much kale can cause hypothyroidism. That green bastard messes with your thyroid and ruins your life. Thanks kale.
Rumor has it (ok science says) that kale juice poses the greatest threat for thyroid damage. DON’T TRUST THE JUICE.
Avocados
Sorry babe, but I think we need some space. Photo: Shutterstock.
Let’s explain this in terms of people. Let’s say that kale is what I’d consider a classic elementary school nemesis. If you take too much heat from that little shit, you might be scarred for life, but a limited amount of smack probably helped you build character. In this world of antagonistic foods, avocado is like the high school boyfriend that was so sweet and wonderful, but smoked too much weed. You loved him, and he never wanted to hurt you, but you had to break up with him: you were getting fat from all the pizza he kept ordering.
Avocados are one of my favorite foods. I would put them on top of everything if I could. Health food sites everywhere praise this green beauty for its healthy fats and creamy texture. Unfortunately, most people fail to mention that the serving size for an avocado is 1/5 OF THE AVOCADO. “How many calories per serving?” you hesitantly ask. 50 per serving. Meaning 250 per fruit. When I break out an ago, I usually use the whole damn thing. My casual salad topping just added 250 calories and a load of fat to a salad. At that point, I might have just eaten a burger instead.
Chia Seeds
So innocent and unassuming. Who knew they could wreak such havoc on your intestines? Photo: Shutterstock.
Mama chia! Who knew these seeds could be such little devils. It turns out that chia can mess you up in a variety of different ways. For one, they definitely have the potential to wreak havoc on your gastrointestinal system: from constipation to diarrhea to uncomfortable gas…and all those other things you never wish to speak of can result from too much chia. Gross. Also, if you suffer from diabetes, chia can also interfere and overstimulate any medication you take to control your glucose levels. And to finish it off, chia can cause your blood to thin out. This can cause a drop in blood pressure, if you already deal with this issue. Moral of the story: beware the chia.
Grapefruit
Don’t be fooled by their cheery appearance…these pink death orbs can mess you up. Photo: Shutterstock.
So this one’s not much of a secret, but in case you weren’t aware, grapefruit can really mess you up. Grapefruits contain furanocoumarins, and these long named buggers can react REALLY badly with various medications. In fact about 43 different medications when combined with a ruby red (or any variety) can kill you. That’s scary stuff. Plus, over 85 medications total can interact with grapefruits in a negative way. The fur-marins block an enzyme in the body that works to break down medications. When this enzyme can’t do its job, medication can build up in the body until it reaches toxic levels. The next time you’re thinking of going on a grapefruit cleanse to be healthy, double check the medicine cabinet to make sure you’re not mixing a deadly cocktail.
Salmon
Your salmon should be so wild and rugged it escapes the clutches of a grizzly. Photo: Shutterstock.
First thought: OMG so many Omega-3’s. True, but you know what else salmon has? Mercury. Ya, that super toxic metal that wants to poison you. Before human beings came along, salmon was the perfect food. So nutritious, so abundant, so packed with vitamins and healthy fats. I bet Grizzlies back in the day had the shiniest coats the world’s ever seen. Sigh. But then mankind had to come along and start burning coal, digging mines, and gradually releasing massive amounts of mercury into the air. Like any sensible air pollutant, the mercury headed to the beach, and all the fish were poisoned. To be fair though, compared to all the other fish in the sea, salmon isn’t that bad. It’s lower on the food chain, so there’s less biomagnification (your vocab word for the day). To minimize the risk of consuming too much mercury, stick to Wild Alaskan salmon. The further away the fish are from factories, the less mercury they ingest. Farmed salmon can accidentally get stuck next to coal burning plants, and that’s not great for your diet.
