I really love football. The awesome kind of football, not the wanker’s version with a bunch of European guys sporting Luke Davis’ haircut and running around like armless chodes. Any sport where a draw (it’s called a tie, dudes) becomes the social norm is completely missing the point of suiting up in the name of competition to begin with. Also, while we’re on the topic, nobody says “nil.” Just say zero like everybody else. And stop feeding us this “you just have to know the game” horse crap. Because here’s all I need to know about your game: it sucks. Football, however, does not suck. It’s awesome. Freakishly giant humans that run faster than a velociraptor and dress like the cast of American Gladiators are awesome. Ten minute halftime shows that have more explosions than a Michael Bay film are awesome. And yeah, sometimes the commercials are cool too. That’s why this Sunday is a true American holiday.
But maybe you’re not an obsessive football (real football, remember) fan like myself. Unless it’s barfing head high barrels somewhere nearby you really should participate in Super Sunday – it’s your duty as an American. Now you’ve spent way too many Sundays in the ocean to know the difference between pig-dogging and a pigskin, and you realize you’re not really sure how to enjoy the day. At least eleventy billion other people will be glued to the game and you don’t want to be the one person who missed it in favor of surfing 2-foot onshore crap on a waterlogged single fin you picked up at a garage sale. Here are three easy tips, the dummies guide to the Super Bowl, for surfers (or anybody else who is prone to not caring who wins).
Pick somebody or something to hate with the passion of a thousand fires (aka “root against”).
Can’t decide who to root for? That’s ok. One of the many beauties of professional sports is that who you’re rooting for is rarely as important as who you root against. Tom Brady, for example, is not really a cool dude. I have a lot of beef with the Ugg model, so anytime he fails on the football field I am filled with joy. Same goes when the Los Angeles Dodgers lose. Since neither Tom Brady nor the Los Angeles Dodgers are competing in this year’s Super Bowl (like the Dodgers would ever actually win in the postseason anyway #amiright) I’m already a happy camper going into this year’s big game. On the flip side, the teams I do love have filled most of my life with disappointment, also proving the theory that rooting against somebody is better than having somebody to root for.
My advice? When you get to your Super Bowl viewing destination pick out somebody in the room who annoys you. Maybe dude in the Broncos jersey who called you bro one too many times immediately gives off that “this is more than a game” vibe. You might relish in his unreasonable disappointment when Peyton Manning throws heartbreaking interception number five late in the 4th quarter down by five. Or maybe Jell-O Shot Jane hasn’t stopped yapping since you showed up about how Cam Newton was on her fantasy team this year, which led to her becoming the most hardcore of hardcore bandwagon Panther fans in the world. You know what will shut Jane up (hopefully)? A 265-pound defensive end piledriving Cam at the 30-yard line after watching the Panther QB whip and nae nae one too many times. Dab on that, Jane.
Don’t be “I just like to watch the commercials dude.”
Super Bowl ads are an event all their own during the big game. 20 years ago it was kind of a big risk running to the kitchen to refill the bean dip during the 2-minute warning because you could very easily miss the most awesomely genius Dorito commercial ever. Before the internet and DVR’s those commercials vanished into thin air…or you just had to get lucky and see them again any other time you were watching television. But by that point the rest of the human population had already seen the thing during its TV timeout world premier, making you the loser who missed out on a massive inside joke. Nowadays you’re going to see the best of the best on your Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram feeds all day. And that’s just assuming you aren’t already watching a Periscope broadcast of another Super Bowl party or checking your Snapchat every five seconds to watch the rebroadcast of said commercials. Actually, you can pretty much preview Super Bowl commercials before the game now anyway.
What’s my point? Don’t pass up on the opportunity to grab another beer. Fear of missing Super Bowl commercials no longer has to exist. Stuff your face, socialize, and pop open another cold one. Which brings me to my final pointer…
Stuff your face, socialize and pop open another cold one.
Yes, please. Photo: Shutterstock
This is a gluttonous day. This is a beautiful day of complete overindulgence, to which point you should miss work on Monday not because you’re hungover, rather because your stomach is still pissed at you for getting coerced into beer-bonging queso. Coming from a die hard sports fan I can tell you one thing about Super Bowl Sunday: unless their team is playing even the truest of true fans doesn’t really care about the Big Game. It’s a party day. It’s a day to eat your weight in pizza, salsa, hot wings, chili dogs, football shaped homemade cookies, then pretend that you’re actually paying attention to the action (which nobody is doing) and wash it all down with an adult soda.
If you’re doing Super Sunday right you’ll catch the game somewhere with a plethora of people who also aren’t taking the action on the field too seriously, which is a good recipe for a good party. So enjoy yourself.
Now on the other hand, if you wake up Sunday morning and there are giant cylindrical walls of water spitting stuff out of their hollow ends with enough space to shoot from them atop a fish shaped piece of foam…well then you should definitely forget about the game.
