Why is there crowdsurfing? I thought I came to see a surf film. Photo: Briana Diamond
The gathering of surfers to watch a surf flick is a cultural event all its own. Meanwhile, attending a surf film premier in Orange County is another spectacle, and not one for the faint of heart. It’s a commitment that requires physical, mental and monetary efforts. I was reminded of these facts at Vissla’s Dream Steeple premier recently. In true quasi-grunge fashion, the film premiered at the Huntington Beach tiki bar “Don The Beachcomber.”
So, in an attempt to debunk the paradigm of modern day OC surf premiers, I’ve compiled a list of observations and recommendations that will help guide trendy-surf-film-premier virgins through a sea of hipsters and PBR’s.
Before you get there, make sure you’re wearing clothes that look like they could have been in your grandparents’ closet. Do not in anyway make it seem as if you showered or even looked in the mirror, for that matter. When you are getting ready and do, in fact, look in the mirror (everyone looks in the mirror) you should feel much less attractive than normal. Don’t worry, it’s all part of the process. Remember that not caring is cool.
These evenings begin with a giveaway. Always. But this is Orange County, so the giveaway will not happen by way of some ridiculous raffle or lottery, oh no, no, no.
Rule #1: You Don’t Stand a Chance Without a Solid Social Media Presence
In the OC, everything and everyone is ruled by the omnipresent Instagram–including the giveaway. This particular event featured a pair of sunglasses, a new wetsuit, and a board from the film that was ridden by both Brendon Gibbens and Andrew Jacobson. Thus, it is important to always make sure you have a “k” next to the number of followers you have before you step into the venue. How do you get these followers? We still don’t know. But we do know that everyone will have them. Please do not ask your fellow hipsters how to accrue more followers, as that subject is taboo. So just don’t bring it up…but seriously, make sure you have the correct number of followers if you want in on the winnings.
Okay, now the give away is over and you expect the film to come on right? Wrong. This is not just a movie premier, it’s a damn party. Make your way to the bar and start some conversation while in line.
Rule #2: Prove How Not Basic You Are
Talk about how much better “alternative” surfboards are (twin fins and mini-Simmons) and make sure to slyly mention where you thrifted your latest “Harvard Dad” hat from. (Salvation Army, Goodwill, Buffalo Exchange etc.) By now you have made your way to the bar, and it’s your turn to order a beverage. This next move could make or break your night, so don’t screw it up.
Rule #3: Ignore Rule #2 (Unless It’s Your Film, Of Course)
DO NOT buy a beer that might actually taste good or comes from a company who cares about their craft. Instead, opt for the seemingly-punk PBR tall boy or the aesthetically pleasing Red Stripe. The taste of the beer does not matter. Suck it up and fit in. If you want a mixed drunk, always veer to the side of irony in the form of piña coladas, mai tais, or if you’re feeling really frisky, a strawberry marg. Absolutely no nice whiskey on the rocks or neat scotches should be consumed here. Again, it is not about the taste, you idiot.
Great, you have settled in to a few drinks, you got some new followers and talked about your most recent literary endeavors (Kerouac, Bukowski, Ginsberg). Finally the film can begin. This particular film traced the Vissla team surfing in California, Indonesia, Australia, and a lot of places in between. The footage features some serious, progressive surfing from guys like Cam Richards, Eric Geiselman and Brendon Gibbens. But this is Orange County, so there needs to be at least a little counter-culture if the premier is going to be a success. Vissla accounted for this in the film by including clips of ’70s style nostalgia inducing surfing, especially evident in Derrick Disney’s Hawaii section.
Rule #4: Stick to the “Too Cool for School” Game Plan
Leave to get another drink in the middle of the movie. It’s badass. It shows you don’t care about the “establishment.” People will take note when they see you do it. Post-premier is time for the party to really get going. In this particular instance, the band Mystic Braves took to the stage, sparking a mosh pit of angry, clearly repressed SoCal adolescents. This is standard, don’t freak out.
Rule #5: Network Your Ass Off
Parking-lot-cigarette-networking. What’s that? You don’t smoke? Well, make an exception. In the OC, it doesn’t matter that you have been eating a plant-based diet for the last year and a half or that you only shop at Whole Foods. Tonight, you smoke (preferably American Spirits or Camels).
Bonus Rule: This is really only for the few, hardcore attendees. Follow the first 5 rules and you’ll be fine. But if you want to do more than merely “fit in,” rip the filters out and make sure people know that you smoke without filters. Not advised, but definitely effective.
Dream Steeple from Vissla on Vimeo.
