Mr. Bernard Zog was a local chemist and part time sex therapist we hired to make surfboard wax.
It’s funny how one movie can change the course of your life forever, specifically “Beach Blanket Bingo,” starring Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello. Let me start at the beginning.
Born and raised in Seattle, I was a figure skating child prodigy, successfully landing Triple Salchow jumps by the age of five. One day, after failing to land my newest move, The Falling Asleep At The Library move, which consisted of me attaching an open book to my face with a head-strap and snoring really loudly with one leg overhead, my one and only friend (and ice skating coach) Jamie took me to see the latest surfer movie starring Frankie and Annette. The skydiving storyline was boring, but to say that I was floored by the surfing is an understatement. Something primal and raw stirred within, and suddenly, figure skating seemed so mundane. Life was more exciting at the beach and on liquid water! I went home and announced to my parents that I was hanging up my ice skates and would pursue professional surfing. From that moment on, all I did was eat, sleep, surf and screen “Beach Blanket Bingo” in my backyard, charging neighborhood children $1 per person.
Over the next few years, I perfected all the standard surfing moves and created one of my very own, which I called The Fan On Whack move. Yep, that was me who created that world famous move where you make large circles with both arms going in opposite directions while oscillating on your board. But I wasn’t satisfied with just Fan On Whack. I wanted bigger waves and more moves. So at eighteen, I moved to Hawaii and began training with some of the world’s best surfers, who have all told me that they wish to remain anonymous.
Unfortunately, the surfing game isn’t as sweet and friendly as most would think, because it was at this time that I met Remesis, my arch nemesis. Remesis was a famous local surfer who also happened to be a spokesmodel for ear wax remover drops. It was Remesis who claimed I stole her signature move, which she called Honk The Horn Then Drive Away, but was later in a court of law proven to be lying through her teeth. So, I was able to retain my right as the creator of the move, which I called Milking The Cow And Bailing The Hay, which consists of standing on your board while pretending to milk a cow and bail hay. Still vexed over her failed lawsuit, Remesis sabotaged my surfboard before a major competition by rubbing it down with a bottle full of ear wax that she lifted from her job. Without another board, I was forced to use the waxed board, and wouldn’t you just know it? The addition of the wax helped my feet grip the board better and I was finally able to land the hardest move of them all, called I’d Hate To Be That Clown, which consists of juggling bowling pins while riding on top of the wave. After winning first place, the title of World’s Best Surfer and $5,000, I decided to call a truce with Remesis.
Using my winnings to start a company, I asked Remesis if she would be interested in bottling and selling wax for surfboards, using her idea for inspiration. After careful consideration, we decided not to use ear wax, because that’s gross. Instead, we hired a local chemist and part time sex therapist, Mr. Bernard Zog, to create a wax for surfboards. After a few failed tries, we finally found success with a winning formula and debuted Mr. Zog’s Sex Wax at my now annual screening of “Beach Blanket Bingo” at my house. For those who don’t know, Mr. Zog’s Sex Wax is the name of a move Bernard invented that consists of two people sitting on a surfboard sharing their feelings about intimacy while in the middle of a barrel.
This “About Us” is fake. Mr. Zog’s Sex Wax is real, so check it out.
This story was originally published on Medium here and is part of a series written by Melina Saint Thunderdome called About Us, that are fictional accounts of how real organizations started.
