Photo: Shutterstock
I’m often asked whether or not I have a man in my life. Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. The longer I live this life of extended travel, the harder it is to answer this question. You see, it wasn’t too long ago I left the comfort of my European home as a single mom with three kids, hoping to make the world our classroom. We had nothing more than a one-way ticket, an empty bank account, and a dream. We have surfed the Pacific and Caribbean and we are learning by living. It seems so trivial now to try and put a relationship in a box. Put people in a box. This man and I, aren’t we just “us?” Aren’t we just what we are, organically? Maybe the man I love is my friend. Or my lover. Or maybe he’s like a father figure, a wise man even. He is just love. Wild, mad love with a touch of insanity. But always free. He will never be mine to own.
Today I devote my life to living fully, wholeheartedly, passionately. I dive in with my heart and chest wide open. I run toward my wildest of wildest dreams without holding back. I may succeed, I may fail. It doesn’t matter, really. It’s always about the journey, never about the destination. It’s about tasting, breathing, feeling all there is to life. The good, the bad, the ugly. The beautiful diversity that life has to offer. The foolishness and absurdity of daily life. Of love and sex. Of dating. Of the life of a single woman. A nomad. A mother of three. A lover of life.
Now, meet Carlos. Carlos lives in Mexico. Carlos is very handsome. And Carlos (the encounter with) is a beautiful example of living fully. Of experiencing life’s craziness with open eyes and wonder. Without judgment. With a smile. Today I go over to his place, unannounced I might add. As I drive up there I know I am taking a risk. He doesn’t like surprises, and he likes to be in control. When I approach the gated community he lives in the guards call his apartment and let me in. I take the elevator up and the door is open. I walk in, closing the door behind me. I see him standing in the living-room. “Baby, what are you doing here, you surprise me.” He seems nervous, caught off guard. He greets me with a kiss, repeating once again how I had surprised him. He seems confused. I laugh. It is so surreal that it’s actually comical. I tell him to relax, assure him I can leave if he wants to. He looks at me.
“I am happy to see you, baby. But you surprise me.”
“I know that, babe. Can we please get past that now? I’ll make sure I have an invite next time I come see you.”
“You know, baby, what if you came and I had someone here?” he asks. I laugh. I see myself starring in a blockbuster movie gone wild. Is he even serious?
“Baby, can you get me some wine?” he asks, wanting me to go down the road to buy him some wine. With his brain, the man must have lost control over his legs too.
“I’m sure we can do without wine for a few hours, babe,” I say.
“As you came here unexpectedly, I think you should get us some wine. And you know why you are going to do that, baby? Because you are a good girl.” Things get better by the minute.
“Sure, I’ll get you some wine,” I finally agree. “Maybe some crutches to go with it?” I smile. After all, I have to make up for showing up without warning. The poor man could have lost his game.
“Baby, when you get back you can be my girl for tonight, ok?” I pause. I look at this man. Is there still hope for mankind? I have my doubts. By the time I get back with the wine I am ready to drink the whole bottle. Just because. He pours me a glass, rolls up some money and starts snorting a line of coke. Is he seriously doing that in front of me?
“It’s natural, baby. Don’t worry.”
Right. Natural. He lays down on the bed while I massage his feet. His gaze never leaving the computer screen. That must be why they’ve called it social media.
“I am really happy you’re here, baby,” he says repeatedly. The natural stuff must have gone straight to his love-brain. I laugh. This is great writing material. A day out of the life of a single woman. Of a man who lost kind. And their sadly hilarious date.
A note from the author: This is just a story. It may be true, and it may not be. If I ever dated you, don’t worry. It’s not about you. This time. Carlos is just a crayon that colors our world, my world, a little brighter. Who gives me a reason to smile, to greet life with an open heart. To live fully.
