My three mothers. L to R: Venice dawn/biological mother/adoptive mother.
I’m not sure how many surfers out there are adopted, but this is for the small percentage that are. Below is my journey as an adoptee, and how surfing helped me turn the tide in my own life. I don’t expect everyone to understand my story, but for other adoptees or surfers out there, by sharing I hope something resonates and helps you feel heard.
Most people have one mother growing up. I’ve been fortunate to have three very loving mothers throughout my 27 years. The one who raised me gave me a strong heart who taught me to live with a positive outlook and compassion no matter what is in front of me. The one who gave birth to me gave me a heart of hope. She showed me no matter time or distance that love and bond between a mother and child are stronger than both. Then we have the one who breathed life back into heart of who I am. This group of feminine energy is my aunt, my biological mother, and I gained one more, Mother Ocean.
I was born in the Philippines then raised in Oklahoma by my aunt and her husband (Mom and Dad, as I call them). At the ripe age of thirteen-and-a-half, we took our first trip to the Philippines. They decided on our return that it was time to drop the bomb. “There’s something you should know,” they told me. “You’re adopted.” In a way, I always knew something was different. Even with my underlying intuition putting the fragments together, this piece of information still took me aback.
Some of the first people I met in the Philippines were my aunt and uncle, who were later revealed as my biological parents. When I met their children, I had no idea I was gaining two younger brothers and a sister. Life became like the “The Truman Show,” when he realizes that not only is his life not what it seems, but every friend, neighbor, and family member knows the real situation.
Throughout my teen years, I didn’t know what to do with this information. I stayed in a state of denial so I could get through my day. It was hard for me to vocalize my experience so I learned to connect on a superficial level. I’d keep people at arm’s length and not ask any probing questions. I became a chameleon for my own survival and the protection of my secret. It’s not that I was ashamed – not at all. I felt very blessed, but I didn’t want to get stuck in a corner with people asking questions that I didn’t have the answers to. Through my college years, I realized more and more how much I needed to pay attention to this part of my life. I had put it off too long.
To most, I am a Stinson. But to others in the Philippines, I am a Manalac. I am proud to be both, but in my early twenties, each name meant two different things. It became easier to compartmentalize if I separated both while dealing with normal daily life, college, and work. I bounced back and forth between what was expected of me from both sides. On the adopted end, conversations continued on like nothing ever happened, while on the biological side, we were learning to involve each other while healing what was lost in the first place. As I got older, being these two different women filling the roles for these two different families, I never took the time to fill my own.
I spent a chunk of my early twenties talking with other adoptees and reading any book related to adoption to understand (Primal Wound highly recommended). I also joined a free gem of a group, Adopt Salon in West LA (a group for adoptees, biological and adoptive, or soon to be adoptive parents), becoming more knowledgeable about adoption. Now it was time to utilize it. It was not until my mid-twenties, when I got in the water, that I realized I was truly healing. I was healing because I was living – and only in that present moment can we truly say we are alive. Through the ocean, I felt connected and learned how to connect with myself better and, because of that, connect with the ones around me. I am now a much stronger person, daughter, and sister. They’re right when they say that “the cure for anything is salt water — sweat, tears, or the sea.”
Mother Ocean kickstarted my growth a lot in my mid twenties. Surfing her waters was not only fun and challenging, but it became a great coping tool for me. When family matters become too much, I turn to the sea and exhaust every fiber of my being when I need to return to my center. Every once in a while, I’ll get a message from my biological parents in their best English that will strike a chord that is hard to explain to others. So I go to Mother Ocean, surf, and find some resolve in her waves. Surfing gives me a sense that we are all energetically connected – that none of us have ever truly left each other, whether someone passes or distance becomes the culprit.
I like to think that, in a way, all of us surfers are adopted by the sea. She nurtures each and every one of us as a mother does. We all go to her at some point for our own personal reason. Don’t tell me that you’ve never had a shitty day at work and the one thing you know that could turn it around is a dip in the water with your board.
We may not be able to control what has happened in the past, but we can use our experiences to make us better, happier, and stronger people. Whether you were adopted, in foster care, a product of any sort of trauma, there are ways to cope. Surfing has brought me a foundation that enabled me to live and love. Things come up for me every now and then but having a stronger foundation through the ocean helps me calm down and work with it instead of against it. As my life unravels into my thirties, I see the difference of where I was living and loving from. What have you gone through that shapes who you are? What are things that you do that challenge your own set of beliefs about yourself? What are the things that have helped you keep on an even keel in your life? Most importantly, what challenges you to live?
I dare you to find it. I dare you to experience it. Hell, I dare you to surf it out, because surfing is definitely cheaper than therapy.
Sidenote: Whether you are an adoptee, adoptive parent, biological parent, or someone in the process or thinking about adoption, don’t be afraid to get in touch with me about it. I know wonderful sources, great books and contacts for you if you’re in the LA area that helped me along the way…and some surf instructors as well. Hit me up at lifesjustswell@yahoo.com.
