The Inertia Juicewhale

The Inertia

If there’s one thing you should do in 2016, it’s enslave one of your closest, most gullible friends as your personal photographer.

It’s the only appropriate next step from taking selfies. The selfie stick isn’t always going to cut it. You NEED these shots of yourself and you NEED options to choose from because let’s be real: you want fame and money.

You don’t want real “good” friends, you want to build an empire. Besides, real friends are bad because they’re just going to slow you down with real life issues when you could be living the dream-life taking selfies with that big bootied, bountiful-boobied Instagram girl who has millions of followers.

All you have to do is force a friend to take photos of you all the time. Never pose with them. And never tag them. If you know what’s good for you, only tag or credit people with a greater number of followers.

Just devote your life to this formula and you’ll climb the bean stalk overnight. Then once you’re in the clouds with your millions of followers, you’ll only have to hang out with other people with millions of followers, and you can just tag each other all time and laugh your way to the bank. Your life will be so happy!

Social status is EVERYTHING.

Or you could be a loser and enjoy the moment. You know…do the whole “Live, laugh, love, and respect,” kind of life. Go for it. Go surfing with your friends. Enjoy the day. Enjoy the moment. See where that gets you, idiot.

Editor’s Note: Special thanks to Matt Beacham for supporting my Instagram career.


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