Comedy Editor
Metal Mulisha's D Lush: there's nothing covert about these boardies.

Metal Mulisha's D Lush: there's nothing covert about these boardies.

The Inertia

Kids today have it so easy (is something your grandpa might say). And you know what? It’s kind of true. I’m not going to get on my soap box and wax poetic about a time when you didn’t get a trophy just for participating, or a time when gym class games like dodgeball and kickball weren’t yet outlawed because they made the weaker folks feel inferior. No. See, I want to, but I’ll save you the rant. But the latest development from Metal Mulisha is just too much to bite my tongue! Too much I tell you!

The motocross madmen who once thought it wise to use footage of the Nazi Blitzkrieg in a marketing video just released a new boardshort for summer, and let me tell you, these shorts are robbing the younger generation of their ingenuity. Aside from the fact that they are absolutely hideous, these trunks (plastered with faux-beer brands) boast the ability to covertly carry a full six-pack of beers (including pockets that fit tallboys and a built-in bottle opener). You might be thinking one of many thoughts to yourself – ranging from “I just threw up in my mouth…” to  “Covertly transporting beer is something that would drastically improve my quality of life…” But let me tell you, this will make you soft.

Whatever happened to the good old days when you had to sneak booze on the beach by taping two Ziploc bags of piping hot liquor to your thighs? Or the time you snuck twleve beers past your friend’s mom by stacking six cans each down your jeans? People complain that America’s youth is slacking in math and science, and I know why. Boardshorts like these filch the youth’s need to think creatively.  There are no more problems to problem solve. I fear for our future. Who will lead our engineering teams when I’m at a ripe old age? In short (wink*), boycott these shorts! But maybe send me a pair so I can check ‘em out and make sure they are really terrible, just in case.


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