So it turns out “ecosexual” is a thing. I knew dating culture was turning into a social media gauntlet of texting, swiping and borderline paranoid harassment. But the fairer sex hasn’t let me down to the point of turning my affections toward the Pacific Ocean. But in my defense, I also didn’t know she was on the market to begin with.
Rather than courting other members of the human race a few amorous college students in Santa Monica, California snatched her up before the rest of us even knew we had a chance. The Pacific Ocean is now married. The nuptials took place at Santa Monica beach on May 14, except they weren’t exactly called nuptials. One SMC professor, Amber Katherine, organized the whole thing and tagged it as an “EcoSexual Sexstravaganza.”
Katherine says the purpose of the wedding was to create a deeper love for nature through “ecocentric passion and even lust.” That’s right. Lust. Because we all know every healthy relationship needs some sinful pleasures to spice things up every once in a while. And why wait for any kind of privacy when you’re on one of the busiest beaches in the world. Sometimes you just can’t wait. Plus, those freaks a few blocks south in Venice do it all the time anyway. So since things weren’t already weird this is when it all took a turn down Creep Street. After former SMC student Bruce Cartier recited some heartfelt vows everybody was given wedding rings and then they were encouraged to consummate the marriage by making love to the water.
“Stick in your toes…or any part of your body that you want.” Those words were actually said. By a person. The newlyweds obliged and enthusiastically entered the ocean. But don’t get the impression this was some hedonistic free for all. One of the ocean’s new partners, who identified herself as Serenity, used the occasion to remind us of the importance of mutual consent…with the ocean.
“Back when I would hug trees in Santa Cruz, I would sort of ask the tree if it was okay if I hugged it and I would feel their spirit or energy or something give a response back, and then proceed accordingly,” she told The Corsair. “Consent is definitely important. Do you think the Earth would consent to fracking and pollution? Probably not.”
So there it is, peeing in your wetsuit isn’t ok anymore. Unless you get the thumbs up.
