The Inertia Smartass
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More sleep! Less death! Completed morning dumps! So many good things.

More sleep! Less death! Completed morning dumps! So many good things. Photo: Mike Baird/Creative Commons


The Inertia

For all the good surfing’s done for me, all the laughs and cool scars it’s given me, all the memories, friends, enemies made, there sure is a high opportunity cost that comes along with riding waves. Things I could’ve done, people I could’ve connected with, careers I could’ve had, “real world” goings-on that fall by the wayside and don’t matter at all when I’m out to sea. When it’s flat, all this comes into the forefront of my mind. My thought spirals and I’m reminded of not only the life I live, but the one I aspire to. Since I live in LA where it’s often flat, I have ample opportunity for a full life on dry land. And I feel glad for that. Here are eleven reasons why I love when it’s flat.

1. When it’s flat I get more sleep. Having been a competitive swimmer in college and all my life before that, waking up at 5 am every day, I now make a concerted effort to never wake up before four in the afternoon anymore, if at all, unless it’s for waves. When it’s flat, I get to sleep, for weeks on end sometimes. Sleeping’s good for us. When I’m asleep I don’t hurt anyone’s feelings or spend any money, so it’s good for the ol’ pocketbook, too.

2. When there are waves, I’m always laughing. I am a real hard giggler out there because surfing makes my brain shit its pants. All this heavy laughter causes me to have eight pack abs. My perfect abs often preclude me from making friends at the beach because everyone assumes I’m a vain prick. Not to be confused with a prick vein, which I have also been called, due to my insane abs. When it’s flat, I get a chance to pack on a belly and make a friend or two.

3. When it’s flat I get to spend time with my ol’ lady. I love my ol’ lady. She is the best thing in the world. Except for waves. We’re just havin’ fun. Unless she reads this.

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4. When it’s flat I don’t have to drive as much. Driving is insanely dangerous. New studies have shown that every single person who ever gets into a car will eventually die. (If not in a car wreck, then for some other reason at some point in their lives, but still, the correlation is just too obvious to ignore.) The statistic is a staggering and unwavering 100%. Pretty spooky. When I don’t have to drive for waves, I get to not die quite as much. Dying is very hard on your family and friends. Plus I save a lot on gas money and I don’t feel like such a selfish prick sharting so much carbon into the air for my own frivolous pursuits.

5. When it’s flat I get to pursue my career goals. It’s nice to be able to make a living sometimes, but surfing can make it very hard to do that.

6. When it’s flat I can connect with friends and family. I can let them know I’m still alive (despite how much I drive), still full of ambitions, dreams, hopes, fears, and insecurities, just like everyone else. It’s good for people to know you exist and love them.

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7. When it’s flat I get time to read or binge watch content. It’s important to consume story. Story helps us understand the world, and each other, giving us perspective and pause. Also, when we live vicariously through tv, we don’t feel the need to fully engage in our own lives, which can be full of messy, difficult affairs. Better to just avoid all that hassle.

8. When it’s flat I eat healthier. I actually have time to prepare a nutritious breakfast, rather than wolfing down a bag of beef jerky and a Red Bull from the gas station.

9. When it’s flat I get to take my morning dump out fully. It’s nice to not have to pull over for a PCH poo or soil my wetsuit with gas station breakfasts. This leaves me with a healthier GI tract, significantly cleaner wet suit, and a clearer mind.

10. When it’s flat I get to do other forms of fitness Like squirrel stalking and stranger fighting. Cross training is tits.

12. When it’s flat I don’t have to surf. And I hate surfing. It has ruined my life. What do you love about flat days? Share your comments, hateful or otherwise below!

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