Do you stare at a rack of boards like this and immediately begin to come up with reasons why you need a new board? Don’t we all. Photo: The Inertia
Not unlike other sports, surfers have a special relationship with the principal craft that makes riding a wave of water possible. It makes sense. With so many variations in design, materials, fin quantities, and the like, few boards – save exact copies – result in the same sensation. Every board has a little different feel, and every surfer is built differently and has a different approach. As a result, we covet the hell out of boards we don’t own and occasionally build a collection of boards that looks like it could easily be the subject of an episode of Hoarders.
Here’s a not-so-brief list of 35 of the most relatable lies we tell ourselves that sound so true in the moment we’re trying to convince ourselves (and our wallets) that a new sled is a great idea. We realize how false they are later, but who cares? New board! Yay!
1. “I need this board.”
2. “It’ll make me surf better.”
3. “[Fill in pro surfer’s name] has one. If I get one, I’ll surf like him/her.”
4. “I gained weight. None of my boards float me.”
5. “I lost weight. All of my boards are too big.”
6. “It’s so different from anything I’ve ever tried, I’m sure I’ll love it.”
7. “Eight-hundred bucks? That’s like my coffee budget for four months. I just won’t drink coffee for four months.”
8. “My kid doesn’t need a college fund, anyway. He’s smart. He’ll get a scholarship.”
9. “Joe down the street got one of these, and now he surfs way better. I need one.”
10. “If I buy it off Craigslist it’s not a new board, so it doesn’t count.”
11. “It’s got carbon fiber. All good shit has carbon fiber in it.”
12. “I’m rootsy now. I need a board to reflect that.”
13. “I do airs* now.”
14. “I’m building a quiver.”
15. “I only have three other boards like this one.”
16. “I put it under my arm in a surf shop and it whispered to me that it’ll help me with my cutbacks.”
17. “I’m going to [insert country], and the water has more salt in it there.”
18. “Everyone needs a gun** in their quiver.”
20. “You can never have too many boards.”
21. “I want to switch over to a different fin system.”
22. “All my boards are waterlogged.”
23. “They haven’t built a wave pool in my home town yet, but they might. I need a board for that.”
24. “Look how many boards guys and girls on the CT have. And [insert spouse’s name] thinks I have a problem?”
25. “I earned this.”
26. “The shop marked this down 50 bucks. I’m saving money.”
27. “I haven’t bought a new board in a while***.”
28. “New board, more waves, happier me. I’m doing society a favor, here.”
29. “Ooh, this one’s shiny!”
30. “I’m just gonna take it on a surf trip and sell it on Craigslist when I get back.”
31. “Treat yourself.”
32. “I can’t turn on my 12 other boards the way I’ll be able to on this one.”
33. “I’ll cancel my cable and Netflix subscriptions if I buy this.”
34. “Merry/Happy [insert holiday] to me!”
35. “Fuck it!”
*You don’t do airs.
**You don’t need a gun.
***It’s been one month.
