Photo: Matt Colby
June 21 marked the start of my least favorite season. El Nino is over, the waves are small, and anyone who owns anything resembling a surfboard is out in the ocean.
But I’m not.
I’m the guy who feeds these animals their new boards, neoprene, sunglasses, flip flops, and whatever else they may need to look fresh “AF” on the beach. I clog the lineups with rented florescent soft tops and oblivious tourists. I work in a surf shop. I am part of the problem. I’m sorry.
Most surf shops collect the bulk of their revenue in the summer. And to all you fair-weather shredders, thank you for your business. However, please understand I am only human. I have a short attention span, and a finite tolerance for bullshit. I could go on about the obnoxious, bizarre, and downright rude people I’ve encountered. But that would just make me mad. So here are five questions you should just never ask at a surf shop:
1. How are the waves?
Between Surfline, iphones, weather buoys, and your own two eyes, you should already know. If the waves happen to be firing while we’re working we are well aware. Keep your sessions to yourself.
2. What’s the forecast looking like?
See question 1. We are not psychics. Still, people demand the forecast weeks in advance. If you ask, we’ll just make something up. Do your own homework.
3. Can I get a discount?
Surf shops are not flea markets. There is nothing more awkward or annoying than haggling with someone over a traction pad. We don’t care how hard you rip. We know our regular customers. They are friends and family. They get discounts, and they don’t need to ask.
4. How many liters should I ride?
Avoid this one with surfboard shapers too. Liters simply indicate whether or not a board will float your fat ass. Don’t be a numbers nerd. The ability to feel a surfboard with your own two hands is one of the main reasons surf shops exist.
5. Can I use your bathroom?
Unless you’re dropping a couple grand on a quiver of paddleboards, please unload your coffee and breakfast burrito elsewhere.
Hope you all have a shitty summer. See you in September.
