The Inertia Smartass
Give the ol' carp some love. He needs it.

Give the ol’ carp some love. He needs it.

The Inertia

You know this fella. The prick of the litter. The ol’ bloke who’s eighty-sixed everything and everyone else in his life but surfing. The full on wave tweaker. Thing is, he doesn’t even enjoy surfing anymore. He turned his back on life for it and the fact that he’s more than okay with that makes him hate surfing, himself, and you. The salty old carp really is a gnarly, miserable piece of shit. And I love him. He’s the man. We all ought to take a page or eight out of his book. Here’s why.

1. The ol’ carp goes for it. He knows exactly what he wants in life, and fuck you if you are in his way. In fact, fuck you even if you’re not.

2. Carp teaches us that the more miserable we are, the more respect we’ll get out there and in life. You want opportunities? Take them with a scowl on your face and both middle fingers thrown up. Let everyone know you’re not impressed and they’ll keep getting out of your way.

3. Ol’ shitty carp’s got nothing to lose. Always stay close to people with nothing to lose. They show you the value of charging with no energy wasted thinking of consequences. Also, they can snap at any moment and do super entertaining, inspirational things. If nothing else, they help you appreciate the relationships and responsibilities in your own life.


4. He is shamelessly selfish. For better or worse, this turd’s taking care of numero uno. Something we could all stand to do more, especially in America. We don’t tend to our own comforts and desires with complete disregard to everything else enough.

5. Whenever the saliferous shit head pithily utters his vitriol, he has the floor. I apologize for that pedantic, horse shit SAT sentence. But he’s generally a man of few words, so the ones he does speak hold weight with their prophetic simplicity. Unlike mine. Fuck.

6. He reminds us that there is more than one way to skin a cat. You don’t have to get a job and work for a living when you grow up. You don’t have to get married and have kids and pay taxes and participate in society as it’s been constructed. You don’t have to do anything at all. If you want to just live in a van and shred this time around, go for it. The only person stopping you is you.


7. He demonstrates by example that sunscreen is a hoax that actually causes cancer and chemically blocks us from the source of life itself. He gave up on it decades ago. And his skin looks incredible. Flawless. A deep, healthy, virile, impregnable mahogany.

8. He shows us not only of the steep costs of pursuing one thing wholeheartedly but the fruits of that obsession as well. He typically rips.

So next time you see that bruised fruit bobbing around, give him a lil’ love and thanks for all the life lessons. He hurts, too.

See more Why I Loves HERE.


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