The Inertia Smartass
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I was especially excited to surf at Refugio during the oil spill. That was awesome. Photo: Joshua Shelly

I was especially excited to surf at Refugio during the oil spill. That was awesome. Photo: Joshua Shelly


The Inertia

For as long as I can remember, it’s been raining non-stop in Southern California. Say what you will about the purported, mythical “drought” the liberal media constantly bemoans. But at least during this supposed “drought” (Chinese hoax, I say), it wasn’t raining all the damn time sending hepatitis A-Z, actors’ tears, and Pekingese shit into the L.A. waves where we all gather to play and argue. Nevertheless, I have come around. Really, with no other options, I have popped an air revo on my attitude discovering that I actually like, nay, love surfing in polluted water. And you should too. Here’s why.

1. It thins the crowds. With all the health freaks here in southern California diligently heeding the 72-hour do-not-get-in-the-ocean-after-a-rain warning, wide open walls for you and your not long for this earth friends abound.

2. Surfing in a smoothie of diaper sweat, cigarette butts, and hospital fluids gives your immune system a much-needed workout. Your immune system gets bored if you live an all organic, sterile life like many of California’s residents do today. When your immune system gets bored, it doesn’t atrophy, but rather it begins attacking your body for lack of something to do and you end up getting ferocious autoimmune diseases. Slotting yourself into barrels of poop and pesticides sufficiently tests and challenges your immunity, keeping it busy enough not to turn on you.

3. It helps you set your rail better. Thicker, more viscous water lets you really lay into your turns. And sending buckets of hooker spit, brake fluid, and rainbows of drug-resistant viruses into other surfers faces who are paddling over YOUR shoulder is far more rewarding than boring, regular old salt water spray. I mean think about it. In Los Angeles, your lip crack spray could force its way into other surfers’ agape mouths and eyes as they watch you rip, and actually give them hepatitis. If ever there was a 10-point maneuver, it is pulling a turn so sick that it infects your competitors with lifelong disease.

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4. The stakes of falling are significantly higher, forcing you to perform at a significantly higher level. When filling your mouth and sinuses with toxic gazpacho is the consequence of your blowing it, you will commit and likely make any maneuver or section your attempt.

5. You don’t have to worry about getting old and suffering the loss of loved ones. Submerging in a sea of malignant microbes, ejaculate, and tweaker bile increases your odds of a shorter, less expensive, and less tragic life (for you).

6. No sharks. When the water is too polluted for sea life, there’s no landlord lurking about and you can spend your hard earned rent money on better things like health insurance.

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7. Speaking of health insurance, playing in a filthy cesspool causes you to actually use yours. A lot of us young whippersnappers don’t go to the doctor very often, setting up bad habits for later in life. The more you surf in actual sewage, the more you have to go to the doctor, which is a good habit to get into for you, your loved ones, and for your country. A robust healthcare system is an important American pillar.

8. You can catch up on Netflix. When you’re sick in the hospital, barely holding on, you don’t have to go to work. And should you be conscious and still have your wits and your hearing, you can catch up on all your Netflix shows.

9. It brings you closer to the city. L.A. is a city of individuals. You don’t hear many “Hellos”, “Howdys”, or “Here let me helps” in this city of supposed angels. Despite the crowds, it can be a real lonely place. But when you are steeping in the rancid runoff of sinful LA daily life, you are literally enveloped in your community.

So get out there and gargle some shit!

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