The Inertia Contributing Writer
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The Inertia

Is the animal kingdom trying to tell humans we’re killing the earth? Or do grey whales feel that air reverses have grown stale? That the age of the squash tail thruster has run its course? Why has a 40-foot whale parked its dead, blubbery haunches upon our cherished aquatic skatepark, Lower Trestles?

The expired beast appeared Sunday afternoon – free of propellor marks or obvious trauma – smack dab upon the cobblestones of SoCal’s high performance breeding ground. Arriving just as south swells begin to creep into the forecast, the stank carcass has left us with many fetid gusts of wind and so many questions. Is it possible the creature died of sadness, having been denied too long of its precious airborne, groin-hurt Filipe Toledo? Will an autopsy reveal the cetacean departed while clutching a mid-legth singe fin under its pectoral flipper?

Maybe the whale’s act was intended to thin out the overcrowded lineup — and not just until its putrid remains are removed. See, last time such a beast laid to rest nearby, 15 years ago at Trails, it was buried in the sand. And as The King himself has suggested, that may have served as a long-lasting attractant for big grey fish with white bellies. Placing itself at Trestles may have been an attempt to attract more of them, and hence, fewer people in black suits with big bellies.

It’s looking like this performance-surfing activist whale will not be buried alongside its kin, however. It’ll probably be dragged out to sea to become a great white buffet station, or taken someplace on land. Until it does, how many air sections will go un-reversed? How many micro-walls will go unhacked? How many blowtails will go…un-blown? None of us can say.

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The current plan is to wait for a high tide and tow it 10 miles offshore, but the gale-force winds ripping up our surf right now might make that difficult.

Exploding washed-up whale carcasses is also regarded as an effective way to instantly puke your guts out and smell like animal entrails basically forever.

Due to heightened interest in this developing story, Surfline has added a new Putrid Whale Carcass Cam to its other offerings. On Monday afternoon it broadcast one very putrid whale carcass surrounded by a bunch of nauseous onlookers. The windswell lapping against the dead beast looked very confused as to why no one was hopping on its inside tracks, looking for contrived closing maneuvers. News reports said another dead whale is out the back somewhere, waiting for one last set wave before it comes to shore.

For up-to-the-minute coverage of the whale’s bloated, rancid tongue, check Instagram for posts with hashtags #beachedwhale and #trestles and #trestleswhale like this one:

Had to go checkout the #whale at #trestles A photo posted by Sean Brady (@seanbrady) on Apr 25, 2016 at 1:52pm PDT

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