Don’t you hate it when everyone suddenly wants a piece of something you love? Sometimes it seems to get stripped away to bare molecules, or watered down to such a terrifying extent that it becomes something you loathe instead? Well, that’s how I’m starting to feel about surfing’s indoor arms race.
The target of my ire (please, if you are involved in any of these projects stop reading now) is a company called American Wave Machines and the ugly bastard surf park children that they have spawned.
My god. I’ve been critical of artificial waves in the past (I’ve even been complimentary) but this, this is whole new layer of filth. A putrid layer of crap which is forming a thick crust around the perceptions of what surfing actually is. To be honest, I’m beginning to wonder myself.
There may well be a place for artificial waves in surfing, but it is a disgraceful misnomer to use the term surfing in relation to this specific “technology.” If I gave my dog a foamie and a handful of chicken he’d probably eat both of them and still come up with something that looked more like surfing, even if it was just a steaming pile of blue and yellow flecked crap.
Apparently “Oasis Surf” in Montreal, Canada has been open for over a year. I can only presume their food is excellent. But trading under the banner of “surfing” must be some sort of liberal euphemism.
At least they seem to be down with the surf lingo. Their “Intermediate Sweet Spot” wave is apparently “more energetic and bigger; it allows for moves such as 180 and 360 turns, “cutbacks,” and even jumps!” I wasn’t aware that the 180 had become a desirable maneuver in surfing, but I am keen to try these “jumps.” I wonder if they make a wave where you can do wheelies?
And maybe if I spend lots and lots of money one day I’ll be able to go on the “Expert: Barrel!” It looks really spectacular. “A world-class wave! Every surfer’s dream!” But unfortunately “only experienced surfaces will be able to take on the Barrel!” Man, I wonder how you become an “experienced surface?” I’ve tried Googling it but still no luck. I wish I could work it out because just look at the “5 to 6 foot tube!” It’s truly world class.
And double Wow. Jamie O’Brien surfs there, and he loves it! He must love the fact that, as Oasis Surf President Claude Coudry says: “We take off all the negative out of the ocean.” I have no idea why people didn’t come up with this before. I hate that negative ocean. The fucking ocean really gets on my tits when I go surfing.
Shame on J.O.B. for endorsing such tripe. At least he got some Red Bull logos in there.
Oh well, at least American Wave Machines is trying to capture the real soul of surfing: “The company looks to nature to design patented and proprietary technology that delivers authentic surfing experiences using real surfboards.”
Real surfboards? Wow. Sign me up. I’ve had enough of those wave parks that rent virtual surfboards, they’re a real fucking rip off.
