Looks easy! Anyone can do it, right?! Well…kinda.
Walk through any surf shop, and it’s easy to be awestruck by beauty of the boards surrounding you. You can truly feel the love and time put in each board when gliding your hands around the delicate curves. The silky smooth texture and artwork on each surfboard gives it a personality that connects it to the surfer. So the natural thought progression for someone dense like myself would be, “Yea, I can make that.” So, let’s relive the litany of mistakes I made together.
It all started when I overestimated any amount of skill, talent or handiwork I possess. Now this could be difficult for most people. Luckily I have the innate ability to be completely oblivious to what I can truly accomplish. I refer to the Ikea dresser that remains unassembled three months after purchase as a gentle reminder.
Walking into the hardware store I couldn’t help but bask in the fresh scent of lumber and manure…mostly manure. Focus Ali, you need to build a shaping bay. Of course, I didn’t do any research before getting to the store. That’s what smart, diligent people do. Instead I stood in the middle of the busiest aisle, made sure I was in everyone’s way and Googled, “Is shaping bay one word or two?” I scoured the Internet looking for what DIY project needed the least amount of effort. Bingo, found something a child could most likely assemble. I tracked down an employee to help me with everything I needed. He quickly learned I was an idiot as every question he asked me was answered with, “I don’t know, what do you think?” This back and forth game of nods and charades finally broke him down.
He grabbed my phone, “I’ll take care of it. You just sit down.”
Hehe, I win. He led me to the checkout stand with a cart full of supplies. The cashier asked if I would like a Home Depot credit card. I obliged, as I am poor and wanted the extra ten percent off.
I quickly learned the definition of incompetence during my initial assembly of the shaping bay. A drill would make life so much easier right now. No problem, I’ll borrow my neighbors. Except it’s never a simple conversation with this guy. An hour later after learning thirteen different sources of protein for vegans, I finally get to borrow his drill. Turns out, the drill didn’t make things easier. You don’t realize how bad splinters hurt until you pull out four in the matter of ten minutes. I keep looking at what I’m building and compare it to the finished product on my phone screen. Lets just say they aren’t identical twins. Okay, Amazon Prime…which shaping bays have free shipping?
Now for the most exciting part of the process, choosing my blank. What size do I want? What kind of performance am I looking for? After realizing I’m a shit surfer and can’t ride a short board, I opt for a 9’ foot blank so I can really hog some waves. I’m about to leave the shop when the sales associate stops me.
“You got all the tools to shape, right?”
“Oh, what do I need?”
“Here’s a kit that has all the tools including the planer.”
“Perfect, how much do I owe you?”
“About 900 dollars.”
I took a moment to swallow my pride and thought to myself, “Shape a board, Ali…It will be so cool. Ali…Why on God’s green earth didn’t I just buy a board for half the price…too late now. You’re in too deep.”
“Great, do you guys take Home Depot credit cards?”
I have my shaping bay, tools and blank. Now it’s time to meet my new best friend YouTube. I watch hours of instructional videos. I meticulously take notes. I take a brief moment to finish season 2 of The Leftovers because it’s an amazing show and I’m jealous of Justin Theroux. After a short two and half-hour nap I’m ready to bring my vision to reality. I outline my board in pencil. I watch the debris of the board fly as I saw the initial shape. The power of the planer feels amazing as the vibrations of the machine travel past my arm, down my neck and through my spine. I carefully sand my board making sure there are no imperfections in sight. The rocker is exactly how I imagined it. The rails are not too thin, not too thick. I close my eyes and see myself carving through waves yelling at all the kooks to get out of my way…my board is perfect. Time to take it to my local glasser, Greg.
“Hey, Greg. When do you think you’ll have it ready?”
“Two weeks. So are you gonna use this as a coffee table or something?”
Fuck, you Greg. Fuck you.
