This guide is based on empirical evidence of micro, macro and meta data of various public surfer polling firms. Each candidate is broken down to an archetype surfer. The one that you mostly relate with (as a surfer), is the one you should vote for. Do not question this guide. It should be noted, if you vote for Trump, karma will find you in the way of a run in with a great white shark. It should also be noted that great whites are super nice but love eating dumb asses who vote for even bigger dumber asses with dumb toupees.
Vehicle: You roll up in a Lincoln Navigator, massive Quiksilver logo on the back and an equally massive Billabong sticker on the side window. License plate reads “$urfer.”
Board: Carbon Rusty fun shape – quad for sure.
Favorite break: Rockaways
Best maneuver: Paddle battle and cutting leashes
Crew: Your surfing friends work for your family’s company and only surf with you in fear if they don’t, they’ll be fired.
Last surf trip: Mexico. You lasted 48 hours before the locals chased you out.
Vehicle: F-350 with a massive “Don’t tread on me” sticker. Salt Life sticker of guns and fishing rods on the bottom right side of rear window (half of Texas and the panhandle of Florida are nodding their head right now.
Board: Stand up paddle board. Camo. 2-stroke motor attached with Riffe speargun on board to shoot any brown people.
Favorite break: SUP’ing behind an oil tanker’s wake.
Best maneuver: Calling everyone off everything, then blowing it.
Crew: All Salt Life stickers and camo board shorts. Your hatred towards skinny jeans and gays knows no limits, but secretly you check out each other’s asses in the lineup.
Last surf trip: Puerto Rico, because you can get there without a passport. Didn’t make it in the water because you booked a fishing a charter, got too drunk, went to the casinos and lost your shit. Jumped on the next flight back to Houston.
Vehicle: Pink Vespa with a board sling. You keep a 9 mm in the saddle to feel safe on reef road.
Board: 6′ 6″ pin tail for those head high reef road rogue waves.
Favorite break: Amnesty.
Best maneuver: Switch stance.
Crew: Really, really, ridiculously good looking Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too crew.
Last surf trip: Not Cuba.
Vehicle: Live in a Westfalia and commute to work in a Prius where you park your Prius and then hop on your one speed and pedal over to the local drip coffee shop. Your favorite part of the day is how your beard whips through the wind on that crisp Oregon morning.
Board: you have a 9’0 gorgeous longboard that you ride most days. In very rare cases, you take out a Mini Simmons. A standard thruster is too aggressive, and you hate progress.
Favorite break: Hamptons, and you hate everyone who is there because they all work at Goldman Sachs. Don’t worry, they hate you too.
Best Maneuver: Claiming it.
Crew: As an independent, you are free of “should’ve been there yesterday” bros but you’ll eventually find loneliness and have to let go of that indy lifestyle. Most of your crew don’t surf, nor do they vote, but they do have a potpourri of flannels and a solid selection of longboards hanging on the wall.
Last surf trip: Cruising down to the Outer Banks of North Carolina only to be told “Yankee go home.”
Vehicle: You don’t drive and rely heavily on UberBlack, because you can’t drive when you have to reply to emails.
Board: 6’3 Flyer. You don’t longboard, nor do you have time for those geezers.
Favorite break: Little Dume in Malibu. All of your fave celebs getting their networking stoke on.
Best Maneuver: Putting the boys in their place.
Crew: You didn’t go to a public school or state college so you keep it Ivy: Stanford or UNCW.
Last surf trip: Heli trip to a secret spot.
Offshore drilling is on the voting bloc and so are a few Supreme Court justices. Read and go vote. I am sure you’ll make an excellent choice.