The thought of rubbering up always leaves me a little cold. I cast my mind back to years surfing the south coast of NSW and a stream of thoughts flow… moments in wetsuitery. Particularly memorable was being overwhelmed with the thick, rancid reek that lurked in the boot of my Kingswood. The stench of the rubber that enveloped me rammed home the awful awful truth: I shouldn’t have pissed in my wetsuit.
A good pee in a wetsuit can be a beautiful thing; a warming sensation, that relief from the cold water. So for the uninitiated, there are a few golden rules.
1. DO pee before you get in the water. Seeing wet feet before the reach the water’s edge can really freak your mates out. Worth it.
2. DO pee early in the session. Give the sea a chance to wash away your own special marinade.
3. DO pee in the pack. Sharing with the crew will reduce your percentages of meeting the man in the grey suit. It’s also nice to have your own little secrets.
4. DO pee freely. It’s natural, and holding it in can be dangerous.
5. DO pee on bluebottle/jellyfish stings. This is especially important if it happens to one of your mates.
6. DON’T pee before you get in the water. It’s fine with your buddies, but if you’re trying to impress the girls, they’ll think you’re a creeper, incontinent or a fetisher, none of which are impressive.
7. DON’T pee when rinsing off in the beach shower. The shower at the beach is different from the one in your house. You can’t just pee whenever you want. Yellowy foam around your feet is a give away, and that’s gross.
8. DON’T pee in your board shorts. This should be pretty obvious. Peeing in your wetsuit keeps you warm. Peeing in your board shorts is just peeing your pants.
9. DON’T pee in dry suits with hoods and booties. Nobody enjoys an acid bath, and if you pee in a hooded suit, you’ll be peeing into your own ear.
10. DON’T pee as you are getting out of the water. Your wettie will remember, and the discarded, damp, dark neoprene will plot its revenge.