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A post shared by Kookslams (@kookslams) on

Ah, nature. The ocean is calm, the waves are fun, the sky is blue, and the animals are frolicking. “Honey,” you say to your loving wife as she smiles at you over coffee in the early morning sun. “I think today would just be a LOVELY day to go for a paddle.”

“Don’t forget your sunscreen and bucket hat!” she tells you. “I hope you get to see some dolphins!”

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Well, as it turns out, those dolphins hate you and want you dead. They’ve been running tackling drills all week in the hopes that you’ll be dumb enough to enter their lineup. “Respect the locals, kook!” they shout through their blowholes. “Or Dolph Lundgren over here is going to show you the meaning of pain!”