Dane Reynolds, suffering a third-degree burn. Photo: YouTube
You waited out the back and let set after imperfect set roll through. And then, the wave you’ve been waiting for saunters up, shoots you a come-hither look and whispers, “Let’s party.” No one’s around. Your name is tattooed on this wave’s pudendum. It’s yours.
Yet, as you finish your bottom turn, some shitsleeve paddles in, pops up and continues riding as if you don’t exist. Someone call the ICU — you’ve just been burned.
Now what? Well, lucky for you, we’ve put together a comprehensive playbook of options. Feel free to choose your own adventure and/or add your own options in the comments below.
Option 1: Give Them a (Very Original) Piece of Your Mind.
Chances are the offending surfer’s goofy zinc-coated mug is burned into your mind. If it’s not, identify them.
Start coming up with very odd, creative digs. If you devise something super original, they’ll know you’re mad, and will hopefully avoid dropping in on you again. Unusual epithets require rehearsal in the mind, so mouth it to yourself once or twice. Don’t wait for their halfhearted apology; unleash the insult as you paddle back out.
Because being called a “rosebud-slurping fart nozzle,” or a “smegma-sniffing twatsocket” is not something most people want to repeat.
Option 2: Stalk Them and Exact Revenge.
If they’re too far away for you to yell “You squirrel-tailed cuntnugget!” or “Ignorant mud valve!” you’ll have to take a different tack. Paddle over and sit on the inside of them. If you’re really close, lurk nearby until they paddle into a wave, then grab their leash, sending them over the falls. Or wait until they’re coming down the line, blissfully stroke into the wave and flip double-birds, forcing them to straighten out.
Option 3: Call Your Lawyer.
It would be un-American if you didn’t at least threaten to sue, and it’s important to sound like you know what you’re talking about. When it comes to a standard drop-in, “there’s pretty much no legal recourse as far as I can tell,” says The Surf Lawyer, AKA Sean Lynch, an attorney in Irvine who represents surf-industry clients.
Because you’re participating in a sport with inherent dangers, you assume some risk just by paddling out, which makes most legal claims a long-shot. However, if some wackjob does something resulting in physical injury or damage to your gear, you might have an actionable claim based on negligence. You’d have to convince a judge that the other surfer had a responsibility not to drop in, and to demonstrate monetary loss. If you incurred expensive injuries or your $2,000 Laird Standup board was fubared, you might actually have a reasonable threat.
A claim of this kind would land in small claims court, where the dollar-amount is limited to $7,500 for individuals and you and Mr. Drop-in would slug it out Judge Judy-style, sans lawyers.
Option 4: Play It Cool, Because Shit Happens.
Despite the often blatant untruthiness of excuses like, “Didn’t see you, dude, the sun was in my eyes!” sometimes the sun really was in their eyes. Or a surfer genuinely didn’t think you’d fly across a hard-to-make section. You’re allowed to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes.
Even if they did see you, knew you’d make the section, and knew they’d screw your line, you can paddle away quietly, without the drama. Maybe this person is a certified drop-in artist. Maybe they’ve violated not just the rules of surf etiquette but of human decency. But will it improve your session to tell them that?
One of these days, you’ll fuck up, too, and it’d be nice if you could just skip the hassle, apologize and quietly vow to be more courteous.
