An African sunset. Photo: Shutterstock
It’s my last day in Africa today. I’ve been pent up in a fancy hotel in Johannesburg–one of those places with excellent service from friendly men wearing waistcoats and wheeling everything around on those fancy trolleys. Awkward music plays in the elevators and there is an overpriced 24-hour room service menu. It’s quite the contrast from the entirety of the last six-and-a-half months.
Looking through photos from my life in the motherland, that sickly happy/sad feeling of nostalgia creeps up. Oh, so happy it happened, and oh, so sad it’s over.
My golly, I have learned so much. There is no poetic, symbolic or metaphorical way to say it. Africa has ripped me apart; taken everything I had inside and replaced it with something new.
Filled my heart with coconuts. Mixed its sand with my blood. Wiggled its way in like a matakenya worm, burrowing in with a relentless, painful determination–the extraction equally as painful and leaving a wound far too susceptible to infection.
What I now know as normal was once so foreign, and it’s scary to think of losing that. All the places I have seen, all the people I have been, all the lives I could have had.
Before I left, I marveled at the fact that I was about to travel halfway across the world, merely to learn about myself. Honestly, there is no possible way better to do it. But I have learned many things.
1. I am strong.
I didn’t know it before. But somewhere in there, hidden amongst the one too many pizzas and knots of nerves and self-doubt is the ability to get up and get on.
2. Make time for everyone.
In another life, that wasn’t me. I waited. Fringe-dwelled. Sidled in when the conversation was already going. Now, I have learned the value of opening my eyes to whoever is before me and regardless of who they may be–a Rasta with tattoos on his face, a middle aged Dutch bar owner, a British fish farmer, a noisy Spanish chick, a youthful school teacher, an alcoholic South African who is a definite star of his own show–it’s not hard to find something in common and run with it. Because you never know, there may be a moment when you realize these strangers are actually your people. That they are your people, and you have been missing them your entire life.
3. Bare your soul.
Baring my soul with complete honesty has only recently become my style. I have always been used to compartmentalizing myself–certain sides for certain people. However, with my newfound confidence, I can now see the value of presenting myself as a whole. Being who I am, blemishes included. Stupid hairstyles. Closed in shoes in hot climates. Whoever it is that I am, assurance that the people that can handle it will handle it. The people who can’t, won’t.
This is tied to a new realization of the value of authentic relationships. Pretence will get you nowhere. It is important to surround myself with the kind of people that would rather look me in the eye and speak in earnest than entertain me while looking away.
4. Know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
Everything in the universe is as it should be. Every time I doubt myself, every time the trees in the forest become too tall, just trust that in the end it will all be ok. Every time you find yourself in a bar at 5am balling your eyes out because you feel betrayed, being cradled by a beautiful Swedish girl and her overtly gangster boyfriend and his overtly gangster comfort of saying “that nigga ain’t worth yo’ tears” just know that at that moment, no matter how much you wish it wasn’t you, that it is as it should be. Good things are coming your way. Don’t fight it.
5. Love unconditionally.
When I have been wronged, I always try to understand why a person behaves the way they do. If I have been hurt, I try and remember that hurt people hurt people. To not be angry. To always look past the external bullshit, the stage show. To always do my best to see what is inside of a person, not the outside. To understand why people behave like they do, and love them for it. To not hate because you are hated. To not make someone suffer because you are suffering. To just love them as they are and hope for the best.
6. Trust myself.
Trusting in yourself is one of the most important things everyone needs to learn. For me, when I learned that I have my own back, something clicked–to know that I can do it. That what I remember is real. That what I want is plausible. That the doubts are there purely for me to question and make my resolve stronger. That I am me. That I do what I want.
Goodbye my beloved Africa. I will miss you more than I can explain.
