Surfing is in the Olympics. Come 2020, the world’s best surfers will compete on the biggest stage in sports. According to an April 1st press release from Nise No Nami, a Japanese aqua-development firm, researchers tasked with making a wave for the Olympic games have created a wave pool capable of creating a 20-foot, barreling wave, “similar to Teahupoo.”
“We have watched with glee as western companies release wave after wave of inferior products,” they wrote. “The Nise No Nami wave is superior in every way. Not only does it create a perfect wave similar in size to maxing Teahupoo, it is made from GMO-free products, runs entirely on solar, creates jobs for thousands of people, and as a byproduct, releases a new compound that combats carbon emissions.”
Although the wave is still tightly under wraps, Japanese hydrologists leaked a pertinent bit of information regarding its basic mechanics. The wave is created by dropping a massive cement block into a large pool of water, recreating the same displacement energy of a tsunami. The contours of the bottom of the pool were modeled using satellite images of Teahupoo’s reef, and are accurate up to 99.9%. Fronted by a shallow lagoon, the Japanese wave comes out of the world’s deepest pool, then breaks over a shallow section of artificial reef. According to early reports, Olympic officials are considering adding great white sharks to the lagoon for added spectator enjoyment.
This, of course, changes everything. Initially, Olympic organizers planned to run heats at a beach known as Shida 40 miles outside of Tokyo, using the same forecasting system that’s currently in place. Now, it looks as though the old way of doing things is obsolete. Construction on the Nise No Nami pool is set to get underway this week, with an estimated completion date of 2019.
“Holy shit, I can’t believe this happened,” said Dirk Ziff, the WSL’s interim CEO while crying through his hands. “We’re so screwed. I can’t believe I let my wife talk me into doing this. All because she wanted to meet that handsome bastard Julian Wilson. Now we’re battling the Japanese for wave pool superiority.”
Update: As of April 2nd, more details have been made available to the public. As it turns out, none of what you just read is true.