Kauli Vaast is an Olympic champion. But not at any of the conceptual pursuits listed below. Photo: Pablo Jimenez//ISA
Ski mountaineering made a splash (if you wanna call it that) with its Olympic debut this year. The sport, called “skimo” for short, combines traditional ski racing with an uphill battle (mimicking backcountry touring) before the downhill race ensues. It’s a diverse skill-set that takes the whole experience of skiing into account – both ascent and descent. Which got me thinking.
If getting to a mountain can be part of the competition, what about getting to the waves? There’s a lot more to surfing than just wave riding. Surfing, it seems, is overrun with gimmicky side endeavors (like this one, that lacks a proper moniker). So which ancillary parts of the sport could make the cut like skimo (which had backcountry purists scoffing in the skin track)? Here’s a proposal for 10 new surf-adjacent events that should be added to the 2028 Summer Olympic Games. And I’m totally serious (totally).
Reef Racing
This event bears the closest resemblance to ski mountaineering in spirit. If we’re happy to watch a skier hike up the mountain for that sweet hard-pack, what about watching a bunch of barefoot surfers race across a razor-sharp reef?
The one logistical issue here would be the lack of an actual reef at Trestles (this one really should have made its debut at Teahupo’o). However, the experience can easily be recreated with the broken glass and scattered detritus created by the various parking lot degenerates that occupy Southern California surf breaks. Or the cobblestones could suffice.
Duck Dive Derby
The torment doesn’t end once your feet leave the land, however. If you want to prove your ability to wend your way through pounding surf, you’re gonna have to spend some time underwater. Right now, the humble duck dive may not be a way to pump up your scores in competition, but it deserves its spot in the sun. In this event, competitors have to race across an Olympic-sized pool with a shortboard – but the catch is that they can only make forward progress while underwater. Hope you learned Nathan Florence’s triple duck-dive maneuver.
Underwater Endurance
But what about after the wave? It would be impossible to create a holistic test of overall surfing ability without taking into account the experience of going through a set wave-induced washing machine. Contestants will be judged not only on their hacks and air revs, but also their ability to survive getting their ass pounded into the dirt by a DOH monster hammer.
Parking Lot Pugilism
Of course, it would be disrespectful to surf culture to forget the time-honored tradition of completely ignoring the actual waves in favor of physical confrontation. Much like the art (and mystery) of chessboxing, this discipline combines aquatic art with the sweet science. In between heats, contestants will return to land, sprint back to the nearest parking lot and beat the ever loving crap out of one another. Because nothing says “I’m a surfer” like getting into a slap fight over an ankle-high wave.
You can see a mouth-cam relay working, can’t you? Photo: Screenshot
Mouth-Cam Relay
Relays, both in water and on land, have been a summer Olympics mainstay for over 100 years, and it’s time for surfing to add to that noble tradition. But how can we infuse the culture of surfing into that? By having the contestants record unwatchable POV footage with mouth-mounted cameras. Rather than pass batons, teammates will pass their mouth cam to the next competitor. Hope nobody has mono.
Secret-Spot Orienteering
We’ve explored plenty of ways to get to and from the waves, but, in real life, actually finding the damn things are just as much of a challenge as surfing them. Contestants are dropped off at a random inland location, and tasked with finding the event venue using local knowledge, internet rumors, and a lot of good old fashioned dumb luck.
Surf Report Showdown
On the other hand, why limit ourselves to just one spot? For freesurfers, riding waves is often as much about amateur meteorology as it is about paddling out and hacking turns. Because, at the end of the day, you’re going to ride more waves if you know where they are. In this event, surfers are given a swell report and a stretch of coast to pick from, and left to their own devices to choose a break to surf at. No picking Lowers, though.
Skeet Surfing
Peanut butter and jelly. Bacon and eggs. Skiing and shooting. Yeah, I don’t get it either, but biathlon, the quintessentially Scandinavian discipline that combines cross-country skiing and shooting, has been an Olympics staple since 1960 – and why can’t surfing do the same? I don’t mean shooting a pier, either. I’m talking about top secret-style surfers holding shotguns, catching waves and shooting at clay pigeons. Tell me you don’t want to see it at least once.
