Richie Cabeza had big plans for turning over a new leaf in 2023. After years of belittling, berating, and flat-out terrorizing all kooks within sight of his local break, this was to be the year he’d quit it all cold turkey. We’re five days in now and Cabeza’s happy to report he’s been a party to zero lineup, parking lot, or cliffside controversies.
“Funny thing I learned this week by not screaming at people in the lineup: all the time spent arguing and/or looking for a person to be mad at really freed me up to catch waves,” he points out. “I even gave a guy a wave the other day by accident. But he thought I meant to just let him go. Anyway, the asshole turns around 15 minutes later when he’s sitting in perfect position and gave me one in return.”
Newfound enjoyment of surfing aside, Cabeza says he did stumble into a major amendment to his New Year’s resolution. A solid five days of not yelling at kooks in the water was tested at the coffee shop following his January 5 surf session when he overheard a patron use the term “Cali.”
“The only people who call it Cali are transplants. Well, that and people from the Bay Area. Either way, it pisses me off.”
Cabeza blames Tupac and Biggie for the popularity of the term but is quick to point out that neither was from California, supporting his point that “Nobody from California calls it Cali. Ever.”
“Not yelling at kooks in the water is something I can stick to, I think. But kooks who use that God-awful word are now fair game. This feels like a good outlet for my rage — rage that used to be expelled in the ocean.”
Editor’s Note: Johnny Utah is an “Eff-Bee-Eye” agent and an expert in works of satire. More of his investigative work can be found here.