Jeff Horton, a Kauai surfer and former boxer, beat up a shark on Sunday morning. Horton and about ten others were surfing near Kilauea at Pila‘a Beach when a fin popped up.
According to The Garden Island, almost half-an-hour later, Horton was waiting for a wave when he saw what he initially thought to be a stingray approaching him. After the “stingray” went after his leg, but got a mouthful of his surfboard instead, he realized that it was, in fact, a tiger shark. One which estimated at a measly twelve feet. The impact knocked him off his board, so he did what any insane person would do: rolled onto the shark and grabbed a fin, then threw a quick flurry with the other hand. He estimates he hit it about eight times. “I finally got one nice punch to the eye,” he said, running on the spot at the top of the Rocky Steps. “I put some really good hits on it, for sure.” The winded and embarrassed shark then spit the board out and retreated to a dark corner of the ocean, where his shark friends heckled him while throwing seal eyeballs at him. Horton thumped his chest and screamed at the sky, punched a bolt of lightning back up into the clouds, then jump-kicked a tornado. He has since ascended to the realm of myth, and reportedly beat Thor in an arm wrestle and before stealing his girlfriend.
The shark initially declined to comment, but his mother eventually convinced him. “He’s a good boy,” she said. “He just hasn’t been the same since his father was blown up by that scuba tank during our summer vacation off the coast of Amity Island.” Initial reports show that the juvenile Great White was looking for an in with a local gang. “You know, I thought they’d let me into the gang if I just attacked one guy,” he said, not making eye contact. “But jeez, how was I supposed to know the guy was a boxer?”
