Trust me, I know a thing or two about creating classic, plot-driven cinema with a bulletproof roster of characters coming together to tell a timeless story. Don’t agree with me? Tell me how many times somebody has turned around and spent $105 million remaking your life story.
Now that we’ve established that my integrity and expertise on the subject are above reproach, I’ve got a bone to pick. Jaws was a horrible movie. And it’s not just because that rigid, animatronic great white looks too unrealistic to be scary. Jaws is responsible for unforgivable pop-culture trends like Sharknado, Sharktopus, and of course, subsequent Jaws films that only succeeded in piling on to mass hysteria created by the original.
As this trailer reminds us, vending machines are responsible for more human deaths each year than sharks. But nobody would ever crap out $15 at a theater for tickets to watch a pissed off vending machine go postal on a room full of overweight office workers (or would they?). Come to think of it, if somebody did direct Vending Machine, Vending Machine 2, Vending Machine 3-D, and Vending Machine: The Revenge — an entire franchise based on, you guessed it, an angry vending machine that swam around eating people in a quaint little East Coast beach town — you know what would have happened after the first film? People would have stopped swimming in vending-machine infested waters about 10 minutes in. Boom. Movie over. You’re welcome, Spielberg.