Senior Editor
Staff
Are they, though?

Are they, though?


The Inertia

Remember a few days ago when Patagonia said that the Don was stealing your shit after he gutted something like 2 million acres from Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante national monuments? “THE PRESIDENT STOLE YOUR LAND,” they silently shouted on their homepage. “THIS IS THE LARGEST ELIMINATION OF PUBLIC LAND IN AMERICAN HISTORY.” Then Yvon Chouinard, the man behind the cult of the puffy jacket, told CNN he was going to sue the President.  “I’m going to sue him,” he said. “It seems the only thing this administration understands is lawsuits.”

Well holy shit, the U.S. House Committee of Natural Resources is not taking this sitting down. Via Twitter, they fired right back with their own online silent shout. “PATAGONIA IS LYING TO YOU,” the government agency screamed, their bloated bodies jiggling with righteous indignation like a garbage bag full of hot mayonnaise on a paint shaker. “A CORPORATE GIANT HIJACKING OUR PUBLIC LANDS DEBATE TO SELL MORE PRODUCTS TO WEALTHY ELITIST URBAN DWELLERS FROM NEW YORK TO SAN FRANCISCO.” The tweet was footed by this: “@Patagonia doesn’t want #MonumentsForAll, they just want your money #BearsEars.”

Let’s put aside, for just a second, the fact that a government agency and a multi-million dollar company are fighting online like a couple of catty teenagers.

Like many of the tweets that seep out like hot farts from the current government’s social media accounts, the House Committee on Natural Resources decision to publicly shame Patagonia is, for lack of a better phrase, incredibly stupid. “When a federal government official publicly calls you a liar on an official social media account, without any due process whatsoever,” wrote Walter Shaub, the former director of the U.S. Office of Government Ethics, “the first thing you should do is call a lawyer. The second thing you should do is find out the name of the official who posted this tweet.”

Whether or not you feel as though the president did, in fact, steal your land, or even if you hate libtards like me (hi Chuck!), what should seem odd to you is that a government agency devoted to our Natural Resources is taking very public aim at an American-owned company. Shit, it might even be illegal. Granted, they do have every right to defend themselves, but (arguably) calling for a boycott seems a little…petty. Such is the state of the Union!

Ryan Zinke, the Secretary of the Interior and wearer of many fine cowboy hats, ain’t exactly a fan of Patagonia, for obvious reasons. President Trump’s monumental monument rollbacks came after Zinke was tasked with reviewing 27 national monuments established since 1996 under the Antiquities Act and decided that a few of them should be shrunk so that “more mining and other ‘traditional uses’ be allowed.

Also in question right now is whether or not the rollbacks are actually legal. According to a few scholars, they’re not, and they’re likely to be reversed in court. Only time will tell if that actually happens. What’s certain right now is that we’re living in unpresidented (sic intended) times.


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