In an extremely disturbing report out of Lake Tahoe, California, South Lake Tahoe native Brodie Wilson apparently doesn’t feel normal until he has stuffed his adrenal glands so full of, well, adrenaline, that he goes into seizures. And he only feels normal once the tremors from the violent seizures have subsided.
“It’s nearly impossible to live a normal life,” Wilson told an anonymous source. “During the winter it’s okay because I can go directly up to Squaw and throw myself off the Palisades a couple of times each morning or drive down to Half Moon Bay when there’s swell and go over the falls. But in the summer, it’s hell. Sometimes I’ll spend all night at the blackjack table in a casino trying to get my fill. When they kick me off the table I’ll wake up, slobbering on the penny slots. And I never have any money.”
Wilson can’t go anywhere outside alone when he’s working to fill his adrenal glands. He has to travel with a partner to keep him from choking on his own tongue. “He gets that look in his eye when he spots a big hit in the backcountry or a barreling wave,” said a friend. “But it’s tough being his friend, sometimes. The seizures after he gets his fill of adrenaline are one thing. But his landings aren’t all that consistent and he has this horrible fetish for beach break barrels there’s no way he can make. It’s so hectic, bro.”
Wilson recently took a trip to see researchers at UC Berkley who were extremely puzzled by his ailment. Adrenaline addiction is common to the Lake Tahoe area, with those suffering from the disease frequenting the base area at Squaw Valley or the pull outs on Donner Summit early each morning in the winter months. The language is a dead giveaway, with most addicts starting sentences with “Dude, did you see that….” and referencing themselves in extremely annoying fashion. As in, “Dude, did you see that cliff I dropped yesterday?” or, “Dude, did you see my line this morning?”
But even researchers are perplexed by Wilson’s extreme case. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” said Dr. Katrina Burbank, a professor of human psychology at the school. “Adrenaline addiction is a real thing. But adrenaline addiction so severe that you force yourself into a state of seizure to feel normal is extremely rare. And I’ve never heard anyone say ‘dude’ that much.”
Wilson says he’ll continue to try and find solutions to the problem. “Dude, I wish it wasn’t this way,” he said. “But there seems to be no end. If something doesn’t change soon I’m just going to have to move to Idaho for the summers and take up BASE jumping.”
Editor’s Note: If you couldn’t tell this was a work of satire, you need more coffee. Or more adrenaline.