I’ll regret nothing. Photo: KS Wave Co.
Kelly’s wave has broken the internet – on multiple occasions no less. And last week Slates took things a step further announcing that one of us normal folk (and a guest!) will get tickets to the kingdom that is Kelly’s not-so-secret surf ranch. It’s a sweepstakes, and all the proceeds support WSL Pure, the new philanthropic arm of the WSL.
I’m a charitable person, but I’m not lucky. I haven’t won anything of consequence in my lifetime – unless you count a goldfish I won at a county fair when I was 8. But the thing died days later after buying it a tank and a lifetime supply of fish food – a futile investment of hard-earned allowance money, in retrospect. So probably chalk that one up to bad luck.
Anyway, attitudes in The Inertia office have been mixed on the Kelly wave pool question. Some think it’s awesome. Some think it’s lame. I’m on the fence, but I’ll dip my toes into the awesome camp, because I know if I got a chance to paddle out there with the king and a bud, I wouldn’t be pissed about it. But I need a sure thing. And that’s why I’ve come up with a list of 10 things I’d do if assured that, upon completion, I’d get a chance to get slotted in a man-made peeling right that conjures up imagery of Dr. Frankenstein’s monster. Kelly, if you’re reading this, take your pick. I’ll just need to have our little agreement in writing first.
Streaking is for slackers. 30 seconds and it’s over. Running a marathon in the nude is a commitment. Photo: Wikipedia
1. Run a half marathon naked
Streaking at a national sporting event is good for a few laughs, but beyond spending a night in prison, public embarrassment is brief. Running a half marathon in the nude on the other hand requires a level of commitment never before seen (at least as far as I know).
2. Get maced in the face
I’ve felt the side effects of being tear gassed once in my life. It was in Chile, and I walked through an area of town that had been gassed an hour prior, and by then it looked safe enough. It wasn’t. The pain was excruciating, and felt like all the liquids in my face were pouring out. I imagine mace has a similar effect, but when you’re the actual target it has to be much worse.
3. Chow down on a Carolina Reaper pepper
According to always reputable Wikipedia, the Carolina Reaper holds the Guiness World Record as the hottest pepper on planet Earth. And by the looks of Sean Evans’ and Chili Klaus’ faces in the video above, it looks damn painful to consume.
(Editor’s Note: Inertia Associate Editor Juan Hernandez has also agreed to join the author in this challenge should he too be granted access into Kelly’s wave kingdom. This, however, applies to the eating of the pepper alone.)
I’ll wear this every day if I have to. Photo: Mr. Porter
4. Only purchase and/or consume Kelly Slater-endorsed products for the rest of my lifetime
Kelly’s an innovator, which is why if selected to surf the ranch, I solemnly swear to exclusively appreciate all that Kelly has created and/or endorsed. That includes only drinking Purps, only surfing Firewire Surfboards, only eating Chia Pods, only decorating my apartment and future home in PB Teen, and only wearing Outerknown clothing. I’ll even burn everything I own that’s not a KS-approved product.
This looks fun, but 52 of them a year could turn this celebratory occasion into a tortuous affair. Photo: Pixabay
5. Crash a wedding every weekend for a year
Crashing a wedding can be fun. Two? Still fun. 52 every weekend in a year consecutively? That requires a lot of planning, and could kill the beauty and love of weddings for a lifetime. For this I’d be sure to document my experience in weekly journal entries right here on The Inertia so a captive audience can follow me as I spiral through a happiness sapping adventure one weekend at a time.
What would you do for a… nope. Photo: Jayme Vickerman/Flickr
6. Eat a Klondike Bar
Who said eating a Klondike Bar is a pleasurable experience? Polyunsaturated fats, GMOs, gluten, and dairy? No thanks. And what are the cookie parts of the sandwich even supposed to be anyway? So, instead of asking myself what I would do for a Klondike Bar, I’m left wondering what would possess me to do so ever. The reward of surfing Kelly’s wave just might be the only thing in the world.
Remember when waves in Nantucket turned into slurpee waves? Imagine that in a speedo. Photo: Jonathan Nimerfroh
7. Surf in a speedo in New England in the dead of winter
I’ve lived in New York. I’m no local by any means, but in two years, I learned what winter surfing can be like on the east coast. 5/4 suit with a hood. Booties. Gloves. But I can’t imagine what it’d be like to strip off the neoprene chain maille and be completely vulnerable in a speedo. To make it fair, I’d catch at least three waves for this one – presuming paramedics would be available for a swift rescue should hypothermia sink in.
“Oh no.”
8. Go over the falls at the Wedge
There’s nothing more embarrassing than feeling yourself at the precipice of a breaking wave, thinking, “Oh shit. I’m going over. And there’s nothing I can do about it.” It happens to the best of us, but it sucks. No question. Scale that up at the infamous Wedge in Newport Beach, and it sucks times ten.
There is perhaps nothing more sacriligious in surfing than charging your compatriots for their boards. Photo: Wikimedia Commons
9. Get a job at Hawaiian Airlines charging surfers board bag fees
It’s no secret Kelly don’t like senseless board bag fees – more specifically Hawaiian Airlines’ board bag fees. But does any surfer like to pay more than the typical customer to lug their sleds to their dream destination? Unfortunately, the people whom with passengers interact are virtually powerless when it comes to looking the other way on oversized luggage charges. Which is why the ultimate irony would be to put a surfer in that position and watch surfing customer after surfing customer scream angrily at the poor sap day after day over a policy they don’t agree with in the first place.
Don’t piss off the bearded lady. Photo: Nathan King/Flickr
10. Quit my job and join the circus
Not to hate on the circus, it’s probably got great health benefits. But I can’t imagine the sheer disappointment in my parents faces if I told them my plans to abandon my job and shovel elephant dung for work. But I’d be sure to transcribe the conversation in its entirety and post it on The Inertia so all could revel in the pain for a shot to surf Kelly’s wave.
K-Slates (can I call you K-Slates?), this article does not represent a binding agreement. However, my lawyers are currently drawing up the official paperwork should you choose to accept this offer.
