Don’t be a surface-shitter. Your mother would be embarrassed.
There are few things that can ruin a perfect morning faster than stepping barefoot into a pile of still-warm human shit. I am currently sitting in my van in southern Baja. There is a mug of thick, steaming coffee laced with a splash of dark rum in front of me. The waves are flat, but I’m glad because they’ve been absolutely insane for the last few days and I need a break. My back is ruined, my neck feels like an iron bar, and my feet need time to replace the skin I left on urchin-covered rocks. Last night, I sat around a fire with a bunch of good friends, laughed about nothing while dogs and tired children rolled around in the sand. All that to say that this morning, everything was perfect. Perfect, that is, until I smashed a pile of shit in between my toes. Now my morning is ruined, thanks to that god damn surface-shitter, whoever they are.
What’s a surface-shitter, you ask? Well, it’s the lowest form of human being on earth. A surface-shitter is all the evils in the world combined into one tidy, skin-covered package. A surface-shitter is not a human-being—they are the epitome of the world’s sins; vile, soulless creatures with bile in their hearts, vomiting noxious wickedness from every orifice.
This may not be something most people like to talk about, but when you’re camping on beaches, shitting is something to think about. Where to shit, when to shit, how to get rid of your shit. Now, to any normal, reasonable human being, a few ground rules should be obvious. But since I stepped in a pile of still-warm human shit this morning (and, believe it or not, it was not the first time), it is clear that there are surface-shitters in our midst, and we all must do our part to rid the world of them.
1. Bring a shovel.
Shovels are wonderful tools. Dig your van out of the sand with it. Dig a good fire pit it. Smash a thief over the head with. And most importantly, dig a hole to poop in with it. Please. Then bury it—cats can do it. So can you.
2. Don’t shit on a path.
Would you shit in the doorway to your toilet? Probably not, unless you’re a surface shitter. It’s a highly trafficked area, and it’s a basic human right to not have to worry about stepping in shit in a highly trafficked area. See that beaten path you’re on? Take that life advice and get off it before you take a dump.
3. Go far. Then go even farther.
Take a long morning walk. It’s nice. The sun is coming up, the air is brisk, and you’ve got to get the blood moving a little anyway. Walk for five minutes, consider that maybe you’ve gone far enough, then walk farther. Ideally, you’ll be a speck in the distance. It’s a rule that goes back to the caveman days: don’t shit near camp.
Do those three simple things, and you can avoid becoming a surface-shitter: a vile, soulless creature with bile in your heart, vomiting noxious wickedness from every orifice.
