Sick of it yet? Happy Holidays!
The holidays are a time for celebrating gluttony. It’s a time to sit down with your loved ones, gorge yourself on dead birds and smashed root vegetables, poison yourself with sweet cream laced liquor, then drunkenly spew a year’s worth of pent up vitriol onto your aging mother. It’s what Santa came back from the dead for, after all!
So you’ve just spent your Christmas either desperately holding in both rummy eggnog vomit and familial rage or spewing them both out at an alarming rate. Afterwards, you’re a guilt-ridden, hungover piece of shit, lying in your parent’s basement suite while dreading the next few days. They’ll be filled by Parcheesi with grandpa and his clacking teeth, cooing at babies you have no interest in, and trying desperately to avoid any conversation with anyone about whatever offensive thing you might’ve said over Christmas dinner. But you know what makes you feel better? Exercise. Partially because it helps get the garbage dump full of shit you crammed down your gullet moving through your system, partially because it helps with a hangover, and partially because by Boxing Day, you want nothing more than to GET AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY.
Get that holiday-fattened-turkey-and-pork-filled-garbage-bag-you-call-your-body off the couch and out into the real world, where Christmas songs don’t play on repeat and Kahlua isn’t leaking out of your pores. Go sprint up stairs until all the cigarettes you smoked with Uncle Frank have made their way out of your bleeding lungs. Go hit a bag until your sweat reeks of straight rum and you’re not angry at your mother (who only meant well when she told you you’re fucking your life up) anymore. Here are three ways to do it if, like many coast-dwellers, you’ve made the mistake of leaving your wave-rich home to spend the holidays far from the ocean and surrounded by family.
If you can cut the tension with a knife, go cut some wood with an axe.
1. Cut firewood
Nothing gets a good sweat going like cutting a full cord of firewood. Sure, it may take you a long time and completely wear you out, but you’ve just created enough firewood to either burn your house down or have a wonderful, cozy little fire for the next six months. As an added bonus, all the pent up aggression you’ve accumulated by spending time with family and being out of the ocean for the last week will come out the end of your axe, all the liquor you’ve funneled into the gaping maw of your holiday mouth will come out your pores, and you have an excuse to not talk to anyone for a few hours.
“If you only knew what I said to Grandma, Otis.”
2. Walk the dogs
Most families I know have at least one dog in them. Dogs can’t talk, will love you no matter what you did on Christmas Eve, and love to run. This is the perfect combination of silence, forgiveness, and exercise that you need to take the edge off both the hangover and the awkwardness of family tension. Want a few hours to yourself? Take the dogs to the park. If there are no dogs available, head to the SPCA and take one of theirs. That way, you get alone time, fresh air, AND you get to pretend you’re a nicer person than you actually are. It’s a Christmas miracle!
“Remember that time you wrapped my head in duct tape, big brother?!”
3. Actually go boxing on Boxing Day
Punching shit makes me feel better. I don’t know if that makes me stupid, but it does. I’m not someone that fights, but like anyone else, I do feel the need to absolutely fly off the handle every now and again. If I could, most of the time I’d rather punch the thing that I’m angry with, but that’s usually a terrible idea, so I’ll just punch a pillow or something else soft. In the end, I don’t like hurting myself. If you’ve got a family member you suspect might feel the same way, head to your local gym, put on some kid gloves, and knock each other around for a while. Set a few ground rules to keep the madness in check: no head shots unless you’ve got head gear, nothing below the belt, and for God’s sake, no kicking allowed. MMA is for trained people and television, not two blubbery siblings burning off a week’s worth of ham, pie, and spiced rum.
