Aw, poor baby.
Years and years ago, I taught surfing to a bunch of children. They sucked, but it wasn’t their fault. They sucked because they were children and children haven’t yet developed the basic motor skills to do many of the things one needs to do to surf, like getting a job and buying their own god damn surfboards. They sucked because they hadn’t surfed very much for the simple, understandable reason that they hadn’t been alive for very long. And they were doomed to continue sucking because I, being the patient saint that I am, didn’t give a shit whether they continued sucking or not. As long as the parents were happy, no one drowned, and I got beer money, everything was great.
I smiled and laughed along with those sucking children, assuring myself that fun was the most important part. “Ha ha!” we laughed as I wiped mucousy yellow ropes of child-boogers off my face. “You’ll get it next time, tiger! You’re doing great!” In reality, those snot-nosed little bags of underdeveloped meat were not doing great. They were sucking, and I was letting them suck like some kind of libtarded snowflake* who just wants to give participation trophies out like candy on Halloween. Now, looking back, I often wonder if a bit of tough love might have actually helped them become better surfers. Here are four things that I would have loved to say, but absolutely never would have:
1. Paddle, you shiftless idiot.
Yeah, you just got smashed. But see that break in the smashings? Use it. Out of breath from the previous smashing? Too bad, coin-purse lungs. If you don’t paddle your ass off RIGHT NOW, you’re going to be a lot more out of breath, puking on the sand while someone films you for @kookoftheday. Don’t just flop around in the impact zone like a boneless piece of shit waiting to recover. Paddle!
2. You will not die, you cowardly idiot.
You know that you won’t. Stop acting like you’re going to. It might feel like it, but if you can swim and you’re not out at maxing Teahupoo, you will not die. Do not panic. Oh, you’re scared? Stuff it back down your wetsuit, put on a brave face, and refer to number one. You will not die!
3. Work harder, you lazy idiot.
Aw, your arms are tired? Can you still move them? Then use them more. Paddle to the point. Paddle harder for the wave. Don’t paddle like you’re pretending to want to catch a wave, paddle like you want to catch a wave. Paddle so hard snot comes out of your nose. Paddle so hard your butthole is bursting. Paddle so hard you’re embarrassed to be paddling so hard. See that person who spins and goes with one flick of a wrist? They got to that place because they spent years paddling until snot comes out of their nose. So be like that person and work harder!
4. Eat shit, you gutless idiot
Do it! Just eat shit! Fall on waves. Blow takeoffs. Paddle for waves you will not make, then try and make them anyway. As number two said, you will not die. You will, however, catch more waves. You will learn your limits. Don’t be a baby. You’re a person who can swim. You’re a person with muscles that have the sole function of making your body move. You’re a person who can hold your breath. You will not make waves sometimes. You will never, ever learn how to surf until you’ve eaten shit a million times. And even when you’ve learned to surf, you will eat shit. ALL. THE. TIME. Don’t like it? Stop surfing. Please. And eat shit. Lots of it!
*I am a libtarded snowflake.
