Former Eff Bee Eye Agent/Quarterback Punk
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The Inertia

Without question, booking blink-182 to play the Surf Ranch is the greatest thing the WSL has ever done. It is arguably the greatest thing that has ever happened in the history of professional surfing.

One might make the case for Kelly’s 11th World Title. For Steph’s 6th. For Brazil’s first title. For another historic event with Shaun Tomson, Martin Potter, Tom Carroll, Rabbit, or legends of the sport… where they showcased skillful, revolutionary competitive surfing in a high-pressure situation. One might.

But they would be egregiously mistaken. This is the best thing.

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And while it might be an attempt at broadening crowd appeal, I do not care. It worked. It is good. It should be applauded and continued. Big, important band at every stop of the tour. Yes. Good idea. Just please avoid riots. (See 2013 U.S. Open of Surfing.)

The part of me that dreaded passing out from heat stroke in the spongey, shit-soaked heat of a Lemoore farm as I watch countless perfect waves unattainably pass me has completely died. That dread is dead. For I know, that the band who scored the soundtrack to my childhood will sing to me in Lemoore. Mark Hoppus, Travis Barker, and Matt Skiba will be there for me.

I am still a skeptic, yes, you know me.

The only incremental improvement within reach at this point requires substantial coordination and people-skills. And it is this: Bring Tom back.

If the WSL facilitates the reunion of Tom Delonge and childhood friend Mark Hoppus at Lemoore, then the WSL will become a god. They will be, inarguably, beyond reproach. It is a bold request. But it is possible.

Tom’s a Diegan. He’s all about the tubes. Loves himself a good shred. Yes, he is preoccupied with solving important space mysteries and Angels and Airwavesing. But maybeeeeee…this was just the nut-kick he needed to re-unleash the nasal with his best partners in crime? The men that he loved and made goofball TRL-topping music videos with that scored make-outs szechuans across middle schools worldwide. They’ll be rocking this perfect wave that Kelly Slater made in California’s farm land. Where will you be, Tom? You should be there.

Don’t waste your time on me, you’re already the voice inside my head.

Don’t get me wrong. I love me some Matt Skiba. I once shared waves with him in Malibu. The one-time Chicago bike messenger explained how surfing was really sinking into his veins. High fives to Skeebs.

But the Hoppus/Delonge separation has long darkened my heart and the hearts of the 50-million human beings who have bought their albums worldwide. I miss their choreographed dick jokes. I tear up at the thought of inexplicably parting ways with a childhood friend. One who’s unique brand of humor and positive energy managed to export to the full global population without too much filter. The WSL has a big opportunity on its hands.

They can reunite blink-182. They can bring back the dick jokes. So many disingenuous charlatans reading this thinking that somehow they are better than blink-182 would smile and think about a brighter time in their lives and in America when all was right. Imagine. Tom Delonge hugs Mark Hoppus on stage and makes a well-timed crack about the size of Mark’s grandpa’s penis. The world smiles and sighs. Kelly Slater gets spit out of a manmade wave and onto the stage just in time to join the chorus of “The Rock Show.” All is right again.

We salute the WSL for officially bringing blink-182 to professional surfing. It’s objectively the best thing that has ever been done.

Now…we invite all parties to ratchet up the stakes once more.

Tom? Wanna carpool to Lemoore?

I’ll take. One lift. Your ride. Best trip.

Make it happen.