Kelly Slater drinking his potion. Photo: WSL/Cestari
Kelly Slater released the news on April 1* that he’s getting into yet another line of business: cosmetics. Specifically, an anti-aging serum that his team of citizen scientists claims can “turn back the effects of time and the ravages of a lifetime spent under the sun’s harshest rays.”
While the exact recipe of the serum hasn’t been released, early reports from the FDA indicate that it is comprised mainly of all organic chia seeds, Himalayan yak ghee, and mashed trout eggs from a remote Siberian Lake.
“I just rub this stuff on my head twice a day,” Slater, with a new tuft of voluminous hair sprouting from the middle of his forehead, told reporters. “Not only is my hair growing back, but my doctor told me that my sperm count has risen 200 percent in 24 hours. I just ran a mile in 13 seconds and I’m doing pushups so fast you guys can’t even see me doing them.”
Slater, who holds a record 11 World Titles, has long teased media outlets with news of his retirement. Now, it appears he plans to use his anti-aging serum to stay in the contest jersey until at least 2119, at which point Slater will be a staggering 147 years old.
“Yeah, with this stuff, I’m going to keep surfing contests for at least another 100 years,” he said. “By that point, I expect to have another 90 World Titles, at least, and I’ll probably have a few Olympic gold medals under my belt, too.”
*Happy April Fools’ Day!
