I went surfing this morning at a rocky point break. The wave can be fun, but it’s not a great one. The tide was low when I first got out, the sun peeking over the horizon, casting those pastels across the sky. Rocks poked up on the inside, hungry for a fin if one decides to tempt fate on one of those shitty little mush-burgers.
“Yeah babe, just go with the waves,” I heard from over my shoulder. “Just follow my lead.” It was a giant meathead on a foamie. This John Cena-looking creature was aggressively stroking to the point, feet flailing, head down. He bulged out of his wetsuit like an over-full baked potato, a military haircut sitting above a jaw like a cardboard box. His girlfriend, a timid, waif-like redhead, struggled behind him, clearly uneasy with the very obvious fact that they were headed to the point, right in the middle of the pack. I watched meathead burn someone on the first wave of a set, squatting like a man over an overflowing portapotty. He fell immediately, and his girlfriend was washed into shore by three more set waves. She ended up getting smashed into the rocks at the point, floundering around, unable to do anything other than hold onto her rented foamie. Meathead smash-paddled his way back to the peak, glancing back a few times and smirking. Eventually, she found her way back out after a bit of advice about not paddling straight at waves and paddling over the channel first. “Ha ha!” Meathead laughed when she finally got back outside. “Good thing I got you those booties!”
It struck me that learning to surf with a person who also cannot surf is terrible. Especially if, like Meathead this morning, the teacher is only intent on showing that they can surf, instead of teaching someone how to surf.
In other semi-related news, here’s Kelly Slater getting Kalani Miller barreled, unlike Meathead and timid girl. “Better than a double rainbow,” wrote Miller on Instagram. “It would only be appropriate for my first barrel to be with my ride or die Kelly Slater at Surf Ranch.”