A few days ago, I was comparing hand scars with a 70-year-old friend of mine. “See this one?” asked Gerry from inside his old-man sweatpants. “That was from a screwdriver back when I was your age.” Because we are men, it turned into a contest of sorts. “Well, check this one out,” I countered. “I pulled a piece of my knuckle bone out of it!” I think I won, but only because he’s got forty years on me, and his have faded with time.
This is why I want a pterygium, otherwise known as Surfer’s Eye. Guys are weird. It’s as if there’s a direct correlation between the amount of discomfort a man can endure and their manliness. Take cauliflower ears for wrestlers, for example. “Hey, I’ve smashed my ears so much they look like a swollen, diseased fruit of some kind! Awesome! I am more of a man than you!” Weird.