The Inertia Smartass
You are everything. And you are nothing. Figure it out, bru. Photo: Robert Siliato

You are everything. And you are nothing. Figure it out, bru. Photo: Robert Siliato

The Inertia

You know that testy grin surfers give each other? That supercilious smirk? The one that says:

“Shoulda been out here an hour ago fuck boy, you blew it.”

“Nice cutback, coward.”

“You guys see all the water I displaced on my own turn?!”


“Where do you even live, dick nose? Like specifically? What was that? Why do I wanna know your kook valley address? Because I’m gonna come over and foster a friendship with you to the point that you’d consider no one else but me for that emergency contacts section we have to fill out on various forms we encounter from time to time in life, and then one day, you’ll never see me or hear from me again! Especially if, God willing, you’ve been involved in an emergency at the horse shit place you just started working and you need me! Except when I’m out here snaking you on every fucking wave. You’ll see me then shit sack. Boy, will you ever.”

Well, that’s the ego shining through.

Splashing around and sliding on waves of energy in the ocean with hordes of other humans has a tendency to be an ego-inflating activity. It’s you versus everyone else. No time to consider other humans. Conversely, surfing can also be an ego-shattering, uniting experience. We often see shades of each of these poles in the same session. But which is better? Reining in the ego out there, or letting it reign? And how will it affect my life? I’m sure glad you asked. And you should be, too.

When we deny the ego and approach surfing with gratitude and selfless surrender, it can promote feelings of oneness, a connection to all things, and an appreciation of the vast love that is everything. Just being in the moment out in the ocean, letting ourselves appreciate every last detail will fill us with a deep respect for nature, life, and an acceptance of our own cosmic insignificance… WARNING. Choosing this approach will infect the rest of your existence and turn you into a hemp-necklace-weaving, little pussy doormat. Avoid this trap. You’ll get fewer waves and fewer opportunities in your life. People will see you as the meek waif that you are, and take everything from you. In short, you will lose.

On the other hand, when surfing is approached with pure hubris, entitlement, and ravenous ego, we just win outright. And it carries through to the rest of our lives. Let’s just face it, the universe exists on opposites. Everything is relative. Without losers, there are can be no winners. We have to chose one. Embrace thyself, choose to win. Ego helps us rise above everything and everyone. Surfing and life are just more fun when done at the expense and disregard of everyone else’s good time. Nourish and heed the ego, watch it grow. Let it give us the confidence, entitlement, whole bag of cool ranch Doritos on the shoulder, aforementioned supercilious smirk, self esteem, and spite for all peers that a winner needs.

Knowing you are not only separate from, but much better than everyone else is paramount. In surfing, and in life. God gave you your ego, who are you to kill it with humility?

If this sounds completely backwards, irresponsible, and stupid, just bear with me you timid little pushover. Which sounds better?

A) Your life is no more valuable than a Pomeranian’s sphincter. It fact, you are significantly more of a detriment to the earth because of how much you consume and destroy. But that doesn’t even matter because you are made from the same cosmic star shit as everything else, anyway. There is no end to you, and no beginning to me; we are all the same. You have no free will. You are just a cog in the machinery of the indifferent and infinite big nothing. If you’re ever “lucky” enough to get a wave, you’ll likely surf it quite poorly, claim it with a humble, timid smile and pathetically thank God for the experience. When you die, you will immediately be forgotten and nothing will change. The universe won’t bat an eye.


B) You are eternal. In fact, nothing would exist without you. Everything you perceive as reality is here because you observe it. Your seeing other people is what makes them exist, albeit in their subservient little way. No tree falling in any forest ever made a noise, unless you chopped that fucker down yourself, with the explicit purpose of actively listening to it fall. The “Big Bang?” That’s when you were born. You have God’s ear, two of them actually, because YOU ARE GOD. Every wave and opportunity is yours, and anyone else that catches a wave or seizes an opportunity without your consent, even one you couldn’t have caught, will feel your wrath. This is all yours. When you die, the universe will too.

If you like option A, no worries! Keep doing your thing. Kill your ego. Find common ground. Be passed over for everything. The winners need places to wipe the Pomeranian poop off their expensive shoes. But for those who think option B sounds pretty good, go for it. What are you waiting for? You’re just gonna be dead someday. Let the ego lift you up to new heights.

Stop questioning your ego out there in the surf. Stop fighting it in your life. Win. Accept what your universe wants to give you, and take it. Consider nothing but yourself and your greatness. Paddle for every single wave, and physically confront anyone who gets in your way. Belittle everyone. Push women and children out of the way, cut in line, litter, never, ever say “thank you”, park your BMW in handicap spots, look down upon everyone and everything, vote for Trump, show no mercy, no compassion, mask your fear for everything different than you by crushing it and watch your world open up to you. After all, you deserve it. You’re a surfer! Did you see your last cutback?!

<b>Note:</b> <i>Here are some more things I absolutely love.</i>


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