Not real life.
On a very rare occasion, when I tell someone that I like surfing, they’ll ask me whether or not I’m afraid of sharks. It’s so dumb.
It’s dumb because of COURSE I’m afraid of sharks. They’re perfectly evolved to kill things, and I actively try and avoid death. But I’m afraid of sharks like I’m afraid of car wrecks, or a tree falling on me. It’s probably not going to happen, but it sure would suck if it did. You can bet your ass that I’m still driving around and walking underneath trees. Also, I’m still surfing. It would be stupid to not surf because of sharks. Especially because, despite what you’re hearing, the risk of being attacked by a shark has actually dropped in the last 60 years. And you know who’s saying that? Stanford University. They do research and stuff.
The research they did is going to be published in late July in Frontiers in Ecology and the Environment, a peer-reviewed publication that’s issued 10 times a year. Their study, entitled Reconciling Predator Conservation with Public Safety, found that although the records of shark attacks are increasing–mostly by great whites–the individual risk in California has actually dropped by 91% in the last six decades. Their recommendation? Awareness. Simply put, watch out for sharks, because they could eat you. Also, don’t walk across the freeway. Go use the crosswalk, even if the freeway is barreling.
“Our results indicate that the seemingly conflicting goals of protecting large predators and people can be reconciled,” said co-author Fiorenza Micheli, the David and Lucile Packard Professor of Marine Science at Stanford’s Hopkins Marine Station and a senior fellow at the Stanford Woods Institute for the Environment. “An awareness of risk – in places and times of the year – can greatly increase the safety of ocean users.”
They also found (and this is in no way surprising) that culling sharks has “no effect on the risks of an encounter.” Their research showed that the reports of attacks are elevated because there are more people playing in the ocean. More people=more attacks, which makes perfect sense. And not to say I told you so, but I told you so. Sort of. In Australia, anyway, where the study wasn’t based. So didn’t really tell you so.
According to the study, the decline in risk off California’s coastline is due in part to a spike in the seal population, which are basically bland, bloody jalapeño poppers for sharks. And when given the choice, apparently sharks would rather eat a big, fat seal instead of a neoprene encased, Cheeto-eating American, which is pretty much just the world’s worst sausage. We’re all full of GMOs, margarine, Sweet n’ Low.
“The more we understand about shark ecology, behavior and distribution, the better able we are to create effective guidelines and help people make informed decisions,” said lead author Francesco Ferretti, a postdoctoral scholar in biology at Stanford’s Hopkins Marine Station. “Analyzing global shark bite statistics has no ecological cost and virtually no financial burden when compared to shark control programs. By contrast, ineffective cull programs can cost millions of dollars and deplete already endangered populations.”
As scary as sharks are, killing them is super dumb. I hate clowns, but they’re important at kid’s birthday parties, so I don’t kill them. Also, I’m not a murderous psychopath, but that’s beside the point. Sharks are even more important than clowns, if you can believe it. When people talk about killing them all (if you have ever said that and meant it, you, my friend, are an idiot), it would basically mean the end of us, as well. All of our shit is thoroughly entwined on this blue, wet orb that flinging around the sun. We’re all precariously balanced on it. Take an important enough block out, and the whole thing will crumble. Maybe not immediately, but it will. I could go on about the importance of apex predators and blah blah blah, but you’ve heard it all before. The long and short of it is that sharks are really important. We have to make sure they don’t die just because they have big teeth and sometimes put those teeth into our limbs.
Another interesting stat the study found is that healthier eco-systems are actually safer for us meat sausages flopping around in the water. This goes back to the spike in seal populations. In California, marine management programs that concentrated on elephant seals moved the sharks away from ol’ Ma Meat Sausage and into the elephant seal colony, the way it’s supposed to be.
Here are some facts from the study in point form, because you probably wouldn’t read them otherwise:
