As the iconic Malibu wall comes closer to collapse, the self-appointed Emperor of Malibu, Chip McSurferson, is calling for “valley kooks” to pay for it. McSurferson is a long time Malibu resident who lives in the third toilet stall in the bathrooms at the iconic California surf spot.
“When the valley sends its people, they’re not sending their best,” McSurferson told a solitary man who was showering after a surf. “They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems to us. They’re bringing Wavestorms. They’re bringing foils. They’re bringing SUPs. They’re bringing kooks. And some, I assume, are good people.”
The wall, which was built in 1928, has been a place for many of history’s best surfers to lean their surfboards against. Over the years, Miki Dora, “Tubesteak” Tracy, Matt Kivlin, and “Moondoggie” Bengston all leaned their bronzed backs against the wall, but now coastal erosion is threatening to topple it. McSurferson lays the blame squarely on the shoulders of surfers from the valley.
“We have people coming to Malibu or trying to come in,” he said, gesturing wildly from inside his toilet stall. “We’re stopping a lot of them, but we’re taking people out of Malibu. You wouldn’t believe how bad these people are. These aren’t people. They’re animals.”
According to McSurferson, “valley kooks” are to blame for the changes to the beach at Surfrider. “They show up whining about endangered birds and lagoons and stuff and then boom, they ruined the mouth of the lagoon,” he said. “Well, I think they should be the ones who pay for the wall since it’s basically their fault. If it were just me and Tubesteak and Da Cat sitting in the pit like the good old days, playing ukuleles in our cut off jeans and straw hats, you can bet this wall would still be standing.”
As of this reporting, the Beaches and Harbor Department has taken action to preserve the wall, at least temporarily. They dumped a number of large boulders directly in front of it, hoping to protect it if a large swell hits the area. That action enraged McSurferson, as well. He says he could build a great wall and get the “valley kooks” to pay for it. “I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, and I’ll build them very inexpensively,” he said. “I will build a great great wall at Surfrider and I’ll have the valley kooks pay for that wall. Go back to the valley, man.”
Editor’s Note: Johnny Utah is an “Eff-Bee-Eye” agent and an expert in works of satire. More of his investigative work can be found here.