For some reason, surfers always get cast in movies about surfing. Almost unequivocally, they completely blow it – which makes sense, because they aren’t actors, they’re surfers.
For some reason, surfers always get cast in movies about surfing. Almost unequivocally, they completely blow it – which makes sense, because they aren’t actors, they’re surfers. And oh man, it’s entertaining. In the end, isn’t entertaining us what actors want to do? Are we not entertained? They shouldn’t be expected to do anything other than blow it, with the understanding that we will be endlessly entertained by it. Either blow it completely (which is preferable from an entertainment perspective) or simply blend in; not acting so well or so terribly that we notice them at all. With that in mind, here are a few that did exactly what should be expected of them: completely blew it.
Shane Dorian, In God’s Hands
Shane Dorian is one of my favorite surfers. He charges harder than just about anyone, and does it with no hair. Not sure what that has to do with anything, but it’s a fact. Science. He is not, however, an actor, not by any stretch of the imagination. Shane blows it the worst. From beginning to end, each line gets worse and worse, until finally, at the end (if you made it to the end), you’re left quivering on your couch, sobbing hysterically and looking for a rope and a rafter.
Gerry Lopez, North Shore
Gerry’s the man. He’s Mr. Pipeline. He encapsulates the entire laid back surfer attitude, and he’s been doing it since he was inside bombing Pipe on those now-iconic single fins that are not exactly easy to ride. And although North Shore was one of the best movies about surfing ever made (simply because it was so bad), Gerry’s role as Vince was only slightly saved by his lack of lines. Thank God he was cast as a the stoic silent type, because any lines he had with more than three words (I think there were two of them) made me jam pencils in my ears.
Laird Hamilton, North Shore
Oh Laird. Love the guy. No matter what your opinion is of him, I’m of the opinion that he’s given us a lot of cool shit to watch and strive towards. Laird’s a pretty serious guy, at least in most of his interviews – that’s what makes his character in North Shore so great. He can be painted with pink spirals, wearing spandex, and he’s managing to still carry that classic Laird attitude. It could be an incredible acting talent, but I doubt it. Skip ahead to the 1:30 mark in the video above for a real single fin mentality.
Kala Alexander, Blue Crush
If I see him in real life, I will not tell him to his face what I’m about to say: Kala stinks at acting. The guy surfs incredibly well and is scary as hell, but he’s not an actor. At all. I always wonder how I’d do if someone put a camera in front of my face and gave me lines to memorize. I like to think I’d fare ok, but I’m probably wrong, as usual. But I’d HAVE to be better than Kala. Unless I cut my face off and showed up to the set covered in puke and drunk on bourbon, I think I could do better. Just please don’t tell him I said so.
Laura Enever and Sally Fitzgibbons, Blue Crush 2
I’ll be honest. I watched this movie last night because I googled “surfers in terrible movies,” and Grant “Twiggy” Baker came up in Blue Crush 2. I didn’t even know there was a Blue Crush 2. How exciting! Anyway, I watched it in my van last night, and didn’t even notice Twig’s character in it. Maybe he went the blending in route. I did notice, however, that Laura Enever and Sally Fitzgibbons played themselves in it. Poorly. They’re both so cute in real life. And while they’re still cute in the movie, their attempts at acting are pretty painful.
